TIFU involving a toilet seat lid that was down. You know where this is going....

I have Multiple Sclerosis, and my symptoms often involve my bowels. I have more horrific poop stories then you can count--- but this just happened Thursday so I figured I'd share. My shit acts up when I am under stress. I have been unemployed for 3 weeks and I am interviewing like a mad man. I was in the city all day, interviewing. Yadda Yadda. Somewhere on the BART (the train) ride home I feel the CLENCH. Now, as mentioned, I have MS and bowel issues. My briefcase has a change of clothes, wipes, plastic bags etc. I call it my "Kit of Shame". The most important though is the Pepto. 2 Pepto's and I usually can control it until I hit the toilet. I ate 2 and the monster fist squeezing my lower intestines like they were play-doh eases. Ok, Apikoros, you got this. So, I make it home. I take the elevator upstairs. Then, the pounding, cramping, pushing comes back. Ok, Apikoros, You got this. Chill Baby. ALMOST there. Cheeks stay together, oso. Keys. WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?!?!? Ohhhh crap.... I ring the door bell and knock like Pee-Wee Herman going to Francis' house. The wife and 5 year old open it together. I push them out of my way like they were protesters in Ferguson. "Get out of the WAY MOTHERFUCKERS, Apikoros needs to SHIT!!!" I make it to the 5 year old's bathroom. It's closer then the other one. I rip the pants off. They're dress pants. I can get one more wear if I make it out of them on time. Ninja, dry cleaning is expensive. I sit. My bowels explode like that volcano in Chile. Something is wrong. WTF? The kid had put the lid down. He's 5, fucker never pisses in the bowl, let alone put the lid down... Today, well, of course he did. So now, I am sitting in my own shame. Diarrhea is sliding down the sides like rancid chocolate sauce on vanilla Ice Cream. The kid cannot stop laughing. There is shit all over the lid, between the lid and the seat, on the back of the throne. I clean my shame and Lysol it down.Then I see that I had landed one log next to the bowl, too. Don't ask me how cause I don't know. Oh, to top it off, I still managed to get shit all over the pants. FML. TL/DR-- Shit on the toilet lid. Was not pretty.

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