So I'm biologically female.
Lately I've been just lightly questioning my sexuality. For the record I always thought I had Aspergers too but no one I've talked to about it believes me because "I'm too high functioning" but I believe my whole cognitive style in general isn't neurotypical. I've also been super confused on my sexual orientation and kind of asking my question here because maybe they're related?
That aside, I've always been teased about not being feminine enough - even thought I've always had long hair and the likes.
A lot of people use to think I was a boy when I called my friend's homes. A lot of girls use to tease me for my male mannerisms, interests and hairiness - yay pcos - as a kid. Always hated girly stuff as a kid and considered myself macho but hey I don't think that necessarily makes someone transgender - it's just social conventions - just like pink use to be a "guy color" a hundred years ago. I could tell you so many things as a child but don't really think it makes a difference. Children don't know shit.
Anyhow through the years I learned that make-up is a must for careers so I try and be feminine but don't feel it. I still get teased from time to time. I don't know if people are just trying to fuck with me. Maybe a month a go at work a float told me that the first time she saw me she thought I was a guy because I had gender neutral scrubs and my hair pulled back with no makeup - I always hated makeup - fuck social conventions. She was pretty much laughing and everything telling people like a huge turd. I work in a hospital for Christ's sake. It's no catwalk. I know it's wrong but I really wanted to jump her. I don't even know why I get bullied, when I try to just do my own thing ya know?
This being said, while I appreciate the convenience of dresses and makeup for social convenience, I still feel like a fraud when I wear frocks and I'm all done up. It always made me ashamed but sometimes I'll ask my friends for tips to girly up and they'll look at me with two heads because apparently I'm good at faking.
I use to think it was just lack of confidence because I never learned girly things from girl friends growing up but now I don't know. If I look in the mirror even though I'm supposedly pretty - bullying aside - I still dissociate most times and just can't do it unless it's for hygiene. My mom is always like you should do your hair and makeup everyday dress up it will make you feel better. But I just dissociate. Even in public washrooms - just can't look at myself. Doesn't feel like I'm connected to the same body.
I wish I could tell someone these things but I think they'd just laugh at me or be all like "why don't you like yourself, you have so much going for you", or think it's a joke because I don't look depressed. I just don't. I don't relate to women. I go to functions and end up just hanging with men and not women because I just can't small talk with them. I don't relate.
Which leads me to another point. My sexuality. I pretty much gave up on that. I'm probably bisexual. I think I like men, not sure - bad experiences, boring experiences with good men. I think I like women - massive infatuations and longing. But with the gender issue and self-esteem crap, I don't know maybe it's just "what's exotic turns erotic".
FML
Any input or advice? Am I just making this up in my head?
Source by socompletelyloss
Mens Hair Styles 2015
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