Today is the day it finally occurred to me that I might possibly have actually been RBN. I'd seen this subreddit and was a bit curious but never actually explored what the it was about. Until today. Many counselors I have gone to say that I take care of my parents. It never even occurred to me. Really? I just know not to bother them with my life and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself lest I get punished in some way for thinking for myself.
I would describe my father.... as a dictator. Whatever he says is law. No ifs, ands or buts about it. If you have anything to say, you'd best keep it to yourself lest you prolong an argument that isn't over until he wins. Not only are my successes a result of his sacrifices for me, but my failures are somehow his fault too. He's constantly reminding my mother and I that we neglect his feelings, his thoughts, etc. (Weird considering we pretty much do as he says) any time he and I get into an argument (which is so often that I think it's the only way I know how to interact with my father. Anything else is awkward) and I point out something that he may have done wrong, he starts saying that he's" the big bad wolf" blah blah blah. As I got older I realized this was nothing but his own little pity party, so I would leave. Of course he would get upset and call me back. God forbid I continue to walk away. That would only serve to infuriate him and nobody wants an angry dictator. I have no choice but to go back. If I choose not to engage him, I'm met with an "answer me!" And when I do choose to engage, "shut the fuck up, I'm talking." One must give respect in order to receive it. Funny enough, that rule doesn't really apply to him. He deserves respect just for helping to give me life (because I asked to be here, right? Excuse the fuck out of me, I'm the reason you decided not to wear a condom that fateful encounter, right?)
At the age of 21, I still have a curfew whenever I come home from school. And that's only because he's finally starting to loosen his grip. I hate that I'm dependent on him, but he seems to revel in his ability to cut me off should I do anything that he doesn't like. You got a boyfriend? I'm gonna cut you off. Watch. Oh, you developed an alcohol problem cause you have no coping skills? Stop trying to act like your childhood was so horrible. Stop trying to be like everyone else. You had a great childhood. I'm gonna cut you off. I bet you'll develop coping skills then.
I wasn't allowed to be angry or sad or much of anything in front of my parents when my first relationship came to an end (or ever, now that I think about it.) It seemed to insult him that I was still a sniveling mess over my ex a month or so after the (almost 4 year relationship) ended (in an extremely hurtful way, I might add.) Whatever he does for me, he does begrudgingly, and when I'm not showing my appreciation for being his child or something of the sort, he throws it in my face. As if he's the hero for doing it. If I ever ask for anything he heaves this huge sigh and acts as though he's doing me a huge favor by giving me the five dollars I had to promise to pay him back. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
Let's move on to my mother. Ever the manipulator, she can cry on command and make you feel guilty just for breathing. I was always expected to be her emotional support as a child. If anything I was treated more like a pet than a daughter. You know how you buy your dog cute things and feed it and tell it all your secrets? Hug it when you're sad and come to expect the unconditional love only a dog can give? Yep. That was what was expected of me. I'm supposed to worship her. Whenever she was angry about something my father the dictator said or did, if she didn't take it out on me, she was crying to me about it. I finally got wise as I became an adult and began telling her I don't want any part of it. Cue the punishment for no longer being her confidant. Now we're not as "close" as we used to be. Or she's lonely or whatever. Good God my mother's needier than a Velcro dog (I know this because I own one.) And that incident where my father threatened to cut me off cause I had no coping skills? Guess who told him? Yep. My mom. I chose to tell her about why I developed an issue with alcohol. Because I lack coping skills. She immediately asked me if it's their (my parents') fault. I reply "I have no clue, I just know I lack coping skills." Mom: "I think it's cause we coddled you too much as a child." Me: "Maybe it's cause I didn't get to express any feelings as a child. I was always told how to feel." That was an unacceptable answer. She immediately started telling me about how much worse her childhood was than mine and rubbing it in my face that SHE didn't have a problem with alcohol. So my reason wasn't good enough. Then later she told my father of the conversation and that's when he barged into my room and threatened to cut me off. (I actually learned at a young age to get dressed after a shower behind my bedroom door. Privacy was a luxury not afforded to me.) My mom always gets me to grab things for her. She complains that her foot hurts too much and just. Not only is she passive aggressive, she always plays the victim. The one who has been wronged in whatever situation. And she's too sickly to do things for herself so I have to do them.
They both are famous for giving the silent treatment when they're either upset at each other or upset with something I did or didn't do. They've "sacrificed everything so I could have what I needed and wanted." My problem that I developed with alcohol is somehow their fault and they failed as parents. They "gave me everything." They usually "let me do what I wanted." Like go to friends' houses at the age of 15 chaperoned by my mother (or not at all.) Or not allowing me to go play with friends when I was a child. Or making me cook dinner for them and myself cause nobody else wanted to do it (I was about 10. And it became a daily thing.) Any decisions I made for myself became an affront to their humanity and I was "disrespectful" for calling them out on anything. Since I was so "grown" because of my alcoholism, I could do A,B, and C for myself because it was clear I didn't need them in such a fragile condition. Apparently nothing I do is satisfactory and if I think for myself, it's time for me to be cut off. Of course when I actually ask for advice or input (which is often. I'm wary of making decisions without running it by them first. Maybe it's cause I still feel like a kid. Always. No thanks to them...) "you're an adult. Make your on decisions. Since you're so 'grown'." My father never misses an opportunity to comment on my weight because he doesn't want me to "end up with diabetes, like my mother." (Interesting considering it's pretty clear that he's very self conscious about his own weight and body image.) He never took any interest in anything to do with me. I don't even remember my dad ever telling me I was beautiful (he claims he did often.) But I definitely remember him commenting on my appearance "do your hair." When I already did it, and was satisfied with the style. Or "you dress too much like a boy." Or you look raggedy." But of course, he would bitch and moan and make sure I knew how much he was working just to afford some new clothes for me. (Gee dad. Sorry for being such a BURDEN.) My parents were such martyrs and nothing they did wasn't for me. They treat me like a child and when I don't act like an adult, complain that I need to grow up. Then when I do act like an adult (set boundaries. Have my own thoughts, make my own decisions) I'm being disrespectful. "You're the child and I'm the parent. You need to stay in the child's place."
This isn't even the half of what I go through with both of them. As I've gotten sober and older I started to really look at my life; I can finally see the effect they've had on me. It would explain why I have no sense of self. For Pete's sake, I don't even know my favorite color or food. I don't blame them for my problems. They just never helped. So. Do they sound like Narcissistic parents? Thanks for reading. I know it's a wall of text. >.<
Source by miau242
Mens Hair Styles 2015
No comments:
Post a Comment