I write this post from my porcelain throne, my primary residence for the past 20 hours or so, that I might spare my fellow redditor from suffering from the same mistakes that I have made.
I will start by saying that, like any other self-respecting person (ie not a vegan), I love me some bacon pizza and chicken wings. Imagine my joy when, as a native New Yorker, I found a pizza joint that not only served cheese and bacon laden crust in my favorite variety, but also chicken wings that were as juicy and delicious as they were abnormally large. This, my friends, was the beginning of my fuck-up.
I have a problem, when it comes to food. Thanks to a serious general lack of self-control, a tendency to stress eat, and a metabolism that, for the first 18 years of my life, was frequently described as "unfair" I have developed a habit of binge eating my comfort food. This is not the fuck-up, but it is important background information. I have recently been trying to get better about this, and in an effort to curb my horrible habits I have restricted myself to ordering delivery, namely pizza, only once a week.
There was one truly unfortunate problem with this pizza place. They had a tendency to fail spectacularly in the "actually giving me what I ordered" department every couple times I ordered. At first it was simple, small things. Things like forgetting to include the wings or the fries that I ordered. No big deal, shit happens, right? Then, about a month ago, I received a pizza slathered in an even thicker layer of tomato sauce than one might normally find. Upsetting to most, maybe, but not a disaster. Bit of a larger problem for me though in that I'm allergic to tomatoes. Something that I had attempted to impress upon them by indicating that I did not want sauce on my pizza due to a tomato allergy. So I called to get a replacement and was informed that they would not be able to get a driver out to me for at least another hour. "Can't you just, like, eat it?" After a short conversation with the manager I was refunded my money and my new pizza arrived within 30 minutes. I chalked it up to a mistake and someone having a bad day (or having a chronic case of stupidity) and I let it go.
Two weeks later, I received some unholy bacon-ranch pizza which I most certainly did not order. Once again, a call to request a replacement was met with disdain and an attempt to get me to just "try it." After all, it cost more than my regular bacon pizza so if I liked it I was getting a pretty good deal. This was a different individual from the one who had harangued me last time. A request to speak to the manager was rebuffed. When the delivery driver arrived I requested that he inform his manager of the terrible treatment I had received and stated that I would not be ordering from them again.
Fast forward to last night. It has been about 2-3 weeks since I last ordered from that shop and, quite frankly, none of the other pizza places I've tried can measure up. No matter how bad their customer service is, their food is fantastic. I decide to give them another try. Miracle of miracles, my food arrives in a timely fashion and everything is correct. All is forgiven. I dive into my feast with gusto, chowing down on the pizza that I've missed so dearly, scooping handfuls of fries into my gullet, and then turning my attention to the wings. I'm not sure what it was that stopped me, but after about the third wing I had a bizarre feeling of unhappiness. A prelude to regret almost, like I knew that in a very short time I would wish that I had not succumbed to the siren-song of wing-dings and non-cardboard crust pizza. Approximately six hours later, I understood what that feeling had been.
For those of you who do not know, the reason that pizza makes you feel full for so long is because it takes a while for your stomach to digest it. It's heavy and cheese laden, which makes for a pretty solid little ball of slowly dissolving noms. Of my experiences with vomit, I would be hard pressed to say that I could rank any of them higher than any others, it's just not the sort of activity that can reach even the "not that shitty" benchmark. That being said, attempting to send pizza, of all things, back out the chute clearly labeled "ingress only" is the most exceptionally unpleasant thing that I have ever experienced. This was, naturally, followed by about 20 hours and rising of the sort of intense colon purge that typically accompanies things like Salmonella exposure.
So consider this a cautionary tale. Do not be stubborn or overly merciful regarding your delivery selections, for one that would trespass against pizza deserves no forgiveness. If you ever have a place screw up your order horribly, especially by serving you an allergen that you specifically requested be held, do not under any circumstances let it slide. It can only lead to suffering.
TL;DR: Forgave lax food safety standards. This was a shitty choice.
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