Sorry if this is a lame post; I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Here's my story.
On Easter I went to a party at a friend's house, where someone had the really campy idea to do a grown-up easter egg hunt. The eggs all had little notes inside that said things like "you're awesome" or "good for 1 free guitar lesson from so-and-so." No one was very into it, but over the course of the afternoon folks would occasionally pick up an egg and read the note inside. When the party was almost over, I picked one up. It said "Good for 1 adventure with Jess"...
The first time I met her, I thought she was really pretty, nice, extremely intelligent, and completely out of my league so I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and resumed being my regular, asshole self around her. My romantic life has been nothing short of disastrous, and as a result these days I don't go looking to get rejected very often. It's not often at all that I meet someone who makes my heart rate speed up the way she does, but I knew I didn't have a chance in hell, and I've shed most of the stupid hopeless romantic tendencies that earned me so many scars earlier in life. Now in situations like this I just quickly and reflexively just let it go, and I wouldn't say I'm a happy person, but at least I don't feel like shit all the time.
When I read the note, my heart sank. A little momentary, under-the-breath "fuck." was uttered, and then I recovered and put it out of my mind. When I ended up sitting next to her later, though, I showed her the note and said "Hey, by the way, it looks like somebody forged your signature on this, just thought you should know," and she politely laughed. And that was the end of it. Over and done with.
A few days later I saw her again, and as she was about to leave she came up to me and looked like she had something to tell me. "Hey so I found out that it WAS Brittany that wrote my name in that easter egg," she said. I nodded. "Yeah, see, she knows I'm kind of an expert when it comes to adventures," she continued, and I continued to nod, not sure where she was going with this. "I mean, I'm REALLY good at planning adventures," she said, and somehow it still wasn't getting through my thick skull. "So, if you ever want to go on an adventure..." she said, finally, and my brain instantly went into fight-or-flight mode.
"Oh! Yeah... that would be great! We'll have to do that sometime!" I said, visibly sweating. She said goodbye and left, and I began replaying the conversation in my head over and over trying to figure out what the fuck had just happened.
She acted completely different around me after that. We had a stupid little competition going where we exchanged riddles with each other (long story), and she would take every opportunity to come up and talk to me or sit by me and I tried so goddamn hard not to read into any of it, but I couldn't help it. It seemed obvious. Somehow this incredible girl really liked me.
So I upped my game. I mean, I tried to still be myself, but I wanted to put my best foot forward. Dress nicer, be a little more charming, I even invited her and some mutual friends over for a dinner party and cooked the fanciest fucking meal I've made in my life, and it was awesome! I have a lot of impressive skills I can call on when I need to, not like Liam Neeson or anything, but I made bananas foster and flamed the pan with a flick of the wrist (rum spills out onto the burner and ignites, don't try it at home!) I built a fire for us after the meal on the back porch where they admired the new awning I had built. I could just picture her thinking "wow, this guy is good at cooking AND carpentry!" Everything was going great.
It was time. I saw her again and after some charming conversation, I pulled out a blue plastic egg from my pocket and said "so, I was wondering if I could still redeem this?" She smiled...
...but it wasn't a delighted smile. I knew this smile very well. It was the "oh shit" smile I've seen on the face of just about every girl I've ever asked out. The deer-in-the-headlights smile, if you will. She said "oh, sure... We can do that sometime. We might have to find a few adventure buddies to go with us, though."
I knew what that meant. And I wanted to believe my friend Brian when he said it wasn't the nail in the coffin, "maybe she's just shy. I mean, she is shy! It makes sense, dude, don't worry about it." But she never even got back to me about it after that... And then when she didn't show up at a party last night that all of her friends went to, I sheepishly asked her roommate (a close friend of mine) for advice.
"I know Jess really values your friendship, and likes you as a person, but she doesn't have any interest in dating you. And after you gave her the egg, she realized she needed to let things cool off a bit."
I was right from the start. And I didn't ask for this. And in fact I go to great lengths to avoid this. You might think I'm just thin-skinned and I should get better at rolling with the punches, but I've had nothing but rejection my whole life, and plenty of it. It's not even a question of "what's wrong with me," there's plenty of things wrong with me, my brain has them all filed in alphabetical order and reads them to me at night when I'm just trying to go to sleep. I don't win some and lose some, I just lose them all, and I've tried to quit playing the game entirely but after getting dragged back in once again, I don't know what to do. I wasn't happy before this, with my self-defense strategy of "just don't think about it," but at least I didn't feel like shit all the time. I was stupid to think I had a shot, I fucked up.
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