I'm not even sure how to start this. Or if this is the right subreddit for this. Or if anyone will even read it. But I definitely feel like I have fucked up. Worse than before.
For the past nearly 20 months I have been dating this girl. We started out truly in love and I was happy as ever. A few months back, we had some shit happen. That's all I'm going to say about it. We have been working towards building our relationship back together. She's enthusiastic about us. She's glad we are basically back to full swing again.
Me?
I'm acting. I'm not cheating, I'm not talking to anyone else, but I am unhappy.
They always say that you should be able to make yourself happy. I can do that. Even though this post may seem like I am ranting about "needing someone", I don't. But I just don't feel the same any more. I love her, I am not in love. I am just trying to keep her happy while hoping I become happy with "us" again.
My fuck up is that I missed two decent opportunities in just the past two days to meet two new people because I would rather force myself to be unhappy with one person.
I went to the Washington Capitals game this past weekend (go caps!). My friend and I met a girl and her mother on the metro who were going to the Nationals game that night and we began talking. The girl and I had a similar taste in sports, music, career path, college major, etc. Her mom seemed really cool. We got off the metro and I forgot about her.
After the game, we get on the metro to leave. We sit down, look down the aisle and sure enough, there's the girl and her mother again. We talk the entire 30 minute ride back. We laughed, we told jokes, I was happy.
I didn't get her number. I didn't ask for it. As much as I wanted to, I missed the opportunity. I hated myself that night because I missed an opportunity to get to know someone new. Someone who, in 30 minutes, made me forget about my other troubles.
Just this past night I went to see The Addams Family musical with my family at a dinner theater. The actors/actresses were also our waiters/waitresses/hosts/hostesses/etc. I had to use the bathroom, so I asked the stunningly beautiful hostess where the men's bathroom was. She looks at me, smiles, and I swear she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She tells me where and I go. On my way back in, she stops me for conversation. We, again, talk, laugh, have a good conversation. I wanted so badly to ask this beautiful woman for her number, or at least how I could see her again.
But I didn't. I ended a 30 minute conversation with "well, have a great show and I'll see you around!" I walked back to my family with regret.
In these situations, at least I can at least credit myself with being faithful to my girlfriend now (unless you consider conversation with the opposite sex to be unfaithful).
Anyways, I'm fucking up.
I guess I'm just too scared to tell my current girlfriend the truth. Maybe I am just stuck hoping my feelings for her will change. Maybe I'm just a huge moron. All I know is that I have been fucking up. I have sacrificed my happiness for another's. I have missed two clear opportunities to be happy again, not only with myself but with another.
I'm never like this. I'm never sad or drained or "tired". But lately I have been, even though I could easily fix it.
I'm fucking up reddit.
Today, I realized I fucked up. I realized I have been.
I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you.
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