Saturday, 30 May 2015

The rational case for ending my life. [Trigger Warning]

TL;DR: I'm a monster who should die. Trust me on this.

The idea of ending my life has been a near-constant for the past four months. I've rarely broken down and cried about it; instead it has just come to be accepted as the first thing I think when I wake up, the last thing I think before I pass out drunk yet again, and most of what goes on in my head during the day. I think that quietly taking myself off this planet is the best outcome for everyone, and here's why.

The thing is, I've got what most would consider to be pretty good life. I'm a white, mostly hetero (I'd say 95%ish) male in my mid-30s. I'm about a decade into a mortgage, my car's paid off and still mostly working, and no high-interest debt. I have a fantastic job with a very good company that pays me a ridiculous sum of money to do a ridiculously small amount of "work;" I'm a sysadmin that mostly surfs the web all day long. I'm average-looking, funny, smart, and can be social and charming as hell when I want to be. I get laid on a reasonably regular basis. I have a fairly large IRL friend group. I can cook my ass off. I have a band where I write basically all the material with people whose enthusiasm about my music is beyond what I could have hoped for. I got married early and been divorced for some time now, and I'm not really all that broken up about it any more. No kids, just cats. My family is very loving and supportive and would do almost anything to help me, and has the means to.

All in all, I've been INCREDIBLY lucky in my life. I have had to work to get where I am, yes; but my luck seems to extend even beyond me being the poster-child for American white male privilege, even though I've lived almost my entire life in a Southern city in which statistically I'm actually a minority.

(And "God" help me if anyone that reads this recognizes me....)

The trouble is, I exhibit a troubling number of sociopathic and psychopathic tendencies.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wicked-deeds/201401/how-tell-sociopath-psychopath

On the outside, I'm all about law, order, politeness, tact, etc etc. I'm the model driver in traffic. I'd never, EVER cut in line at the grocery checkout. But all those common traits about no morals, no respect, no guilt? Yeah, that's me on the inside. A tendency towards violence? Yeah... We'll get to that later.

On the sociopathic side, I form attachments easily and am certainly "prone to outbursts including fits of rage." I do feel empathy; the issue is I enjoy causing pain so that I can feel the effects of that pain... More on that later.

On the psychopathic side, I'm very apt at earning trust and manipulating people. I'm coldly calculating. One of my exes told me that I'm the best liar she ever knew, and she's a lawyer FFS.

I have done and am doing horrible things. And I'm not likely to stop or change; in fact, I don't want to change. This is why I should remove myself permanently, and no one will or should feel bad about it after they read this.

Early in my life, I molested my sister, who is a couple years younger than I am. It started when I was about six after finding one of my dad's porn mags, and the last time when was I was about eleven; I don't remember exactly. It was infrequent, and I got her 'consent' for each incident, but reading various stories from abuse survivors I realize now that she likely felt like she had no choice. We never had 'proper' sex, no vaginal or anal penetration, just touching and oral stuff... but it very likely skews heavily toward the "rape" category. She and I have never discussed it, and I only see her (and for that matter most of my family) once, maybe twice a year.

When I was eight, a male friend of mine and I started doing sexual things to each other. We'd play Nintendo late into the night, and then we'd go suck each other's dicks. I did it because he'd promise me I could "do things" to his younger sister, which never actually happened. Our friendship ended after he tried to anally penetrate me after I'd said "no," and in return I bit his penis so viciously it bled.

When I was twelve I was raped by a male cousin who was four years older. I found a porn mag of his and tore out several pages to take with me. I only found it because he showed me where he hid his pot. I was caught leaving the bathroom with the magazine and he grabbed the torn pages out of my pocket. He threw me on his bed, beat me with a stretched-out wire coat hanger, and then fucked me. I never told anyone. I still have a fissure from that attack.

I'm consumed by sexual violence. I absolutely love the power of someone submitting to me, of giving in after they realize they don't have a choice. My past is absolutely no excuse for this, but it did introduce me to the concept of enjoying taking someone's dignity; of enjoying being face-to-face with a person that is crying because you're inside them, violating them, and that they can't stop you.

In my adult life, I've raped six women. None of the situations forgives what I did, but I'm not sorry I did any of them. Honestly, I enjoyed it.

The first is my now-ex-wife, who cheated on me with at least eight men. We tried to work it out, but it wasn't going to happen. She wrote to one of her paramours (I know because I hacked her email account) that she felt raped because I forced sex on her the last time we were alone together. And the truth is, I did force sex on her, because I knew it would be the last time I ever would be in that situation. She sobbed softly as I fucked her, and I only came because she was crying. This was my first experience of feeling truly empowered by inflicting sexual misery.

And I loved it. I really, really, loved hearing her crying intensify when I came inside her after she begged me not to. I loved stroking her hair afterwards as she curled up into a ball and likely tried to pretend she wasn't there. And I loved that I got hard again hearing her crying, and then anally raped her just so I could make her cry even harder. When I was done I hit her in the back of the head as hard as I could and left her there. She didn't get up for several hours and I'm not sure if she was knocked out or just was laying there, and I don't care.

The second is my now-ex-fiance, though we didn't break up because of the rape. She cheated on me with a woman, in my own bed. I found out and I anally raped her so violently she bled for five days. She confronted me about it and I pretend-cried that I was sorry. I wasn't. This is also the same woman that had introduced me to choking and I found that I loved the sound of a woman hurting and gasping for air while I fucked her.

The third is an ex-girlfriend who showed up at my place drunk, drank more, and passed out. I anally raped her in her sleep. Even passed out she whined in pain and tried to push me away. I whispered "that's my girl" in her ear and pushed her hand away; she went limp and gave in. She had to have noticed the cum in her ass the next morning, but never said anything and continues to come around every now and again.

The fourth is a bit of grey area... We'd known each other for a while, had this insane sexual tension, but were dating other people. We both ended up really drunk and she's an admitted sub, so when I pushed my dick into her mouth she just took it. She refused to look at me when I laid her down and fucked her. I turned her over and she accepted it with a distinct air of "just do what you're going to do." I can't describe the satisfaction of her suppressed scream when I did it... And we're still friends. I cook for her children, FFS.

The fifth is an ex-girlfriend that frankly, is crazy. We dated for a few months and she showed how insane she was. But that didn't stop me from taking advantage several months ago when she invited me to a hotel room and I emotionally manipulated her into anal sex, which she was clearly not into but took without a single gasp or complaint. She just shut her eyes and cried without making a sound and let me rape her. She's so desperate that she'll do anything, including suffering in silence. The only sound she made was when I squeezed her hand after I'd come inside her and saw the blood; I said, "I'll get some tissue" and she said, "Please."

She texted the next day to thank me for seeing her, and wanted to know when she'd see me again.

The sixth is a girl I was seeing, significantly younger than me. Legal, I assure you. Her only previous boyfriend was completely abusive. I took advantage of her expected submission. On our second date I cooked for her at my house. I forced myself on her to make out; grabbed her, took her to my bed, tossed her onto it, started to take off her clothes, and asked, "Ok?" A soft, unconvincing "ok" came back, and I then proceeded to take her when it was really, really obvious that she did NOT want to be there. She didn't cry, but it was obvious that she went to 'that place' where she was outside the body that I was raping.

And I really, really enjoyed her misery. I came knowing that she just wanted it to be over and that she was taking it because she was conditioned to think that she had to; that she had no choice in the matter.

This doesn't even count the skinny young junkie girl I pay to let me abuse and 'rape' her. For the record, she's into it, but we don't have any relationship beyond "I give you money and you let me abuse you however I want." She's not a prostitute as she doesn't have sex with just anyone for money; I met her by chance and I took advantage of her drug problem. My fetish is really really skinny girls, anorexic-style bodies, and she's about 5'9 and literally 98lbs. No tits, no ass, and I love it.

The best/worst part of all that is except the one that was passed out, I made each of them climax at least once when I raped them, some multiple times. That I count "I made my rape victims orgasm" as an achievement displays just how horrible I am and how much I deserve to die.

And I cuddled with each of them after I raped them. I held myself against them and made them feel the body that just violated them from head to toe. I caressed their breasts and stuck my fingers into their mouth and ass. I traced across their hips and clits, told them what "good girls" they were, and praised them for their beauty and submission and that they were "pretty enough" to get me off, as if that was the only reason for their existence in the first place. I told them that they deserved what just happened, that they caused it and were responsible, and that they should be happy that they got my 'attention.' And each one of them weakly whimpered "ok."

Some of them I hit hard across the face, and they allowed it because I made them feel they deserved being hit. I gotta say, holding a woman by the throat and then slapping her hard when she knows she has no choice but to take it? Pure heaven. I particularly enjoy three things about that: the look of shock and sorrow immediately after the blow lands; the flinch when she's become accustomed to being hit and knows it's coming; and the willingness to do anything to keep from being hit again, including things that hurt more but aren't visible to the outside world.

I told you, I need to be dead. And now, it gets worse.

I'm a hebephile. This is different from a pedophile.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hebephilia

I'm obsessed with budding young girls. I'm obsessed with virginity. Religion is to blame for a bit of this, but I'm the real problem. I've taken four virginities in my life, and I want more. I want that surprised eye-opening that happens when a girl is penetrated for the first time. I want that gasp that comes from being split and entered. I want blood on my dick. I want to claim new territory. I want the sound of a hymen being broken etched in my mind.

The fucked up thing is that we're biologically wired for this, yet modern society has RIGHTLY decided that this isn't acceptable. In Biblical times, fully adult men were wed to pubescent girls as just the norm; we've correctly moved past that.

It doesn't help that most pubescent girls are really thin, which as mentioned, is my thing. I want to see hip bones and rib cages and thigh gaps. I want A-minus-cup tits and bird-like arms; I want a woman so thin I can easily dominate her. And I want her to be so small that she knows I can, and I that I will inflict pain her when I feel like hurting her.

Now, this is VERY important: I have never, NEVER EVER, touched or hurt a child, exempting the sister thing when I was a child myself. I don't think I ever actually could now; and I have had the opportunity to do so and rejected it. Specifically, I was in my early 20s and my at-time-time 11yo cousin was, shall we say, 'discovering' herself and blatantly presented an opportunity to be sexually intimate with her. I gave her assurances she was good and important and worth something while not taking advantage of her. Oddly, she's the family member that I'm closest with now.

But I wanted to take her. It's my biggest fantasy. I want an 11-year-old girl's virginity. I want those barely-existent breasts pressed against me. I want to taste her fresh unspoiled womanhood. I want to splatter her cherry in the most painful way possible. And I want to take it, not be given it. I want to injure innocence. I want to hold a crying girl's head against my chest; and it's against my chest only because she's so small she doesn't reach to my neck. I want her to cry because I've forced myself into her against her will, against her body's natural abilities, stretching and ripping her open. I want to be stained by her blood. I want tears, in both meanings of the word. I want her to feel used and violated. I want her to feel like she's a useless wad of meat around a bruised, ruined vagina. I want her to cut herself because of me. I want her to never trust men again.

And I will slap her and tell her it's her fault, that she's to blame, that she did this to herself, and that the ache in her insides is because she allowed it to happen. I will slap her and tell her that if she were a better person that this wouldn't happen. But she's not, so it does, and will continue because that's all she's worth to the world. Just another flap of skin waiting to be taken by the next one in line, and that she'd better learn to enjoy being hurt because that's all she's ever going to offer to the world, and that's all she's ever going to feel.

This is why I think I need to be dead. I've inflicted enough pain and misery on the world, and I'm likely to not stop, so I need to not exist anymore for the good of everyone. I drink a shitload of alcohol, about a fifth of hard liquor a day. I smoke a lot of pot. This immobilizes me so that I can't act on some of the worst impulses I have. I drink every moment I can, which is basically when I'm not at work or taking care of the one friend I truly care about in this world, who is quite ill and is the only reason I'm still here. Sadly, ironically, she's a multiple rape victim herself who knows nothing about what I've just written.

The world is a strange place.

I'm a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad person and the world is a better place without me. And I'm not sorry, and I don't want to change. I'm not even really afraid of death; death is just like being before you were born. There's no heaven, no hell, no God, no nothing. There's no eternal punishment for being horrible.

This is why I think I should just go ahead and absolve the world of my existence. Go ahead and punish myself so that I can't do abhorrent things anymore.

This is my rational case for ending my life.

EDIT: Added TL;DR



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