TIFU by being a savage and not washing my hands before I touched my itchy eye. Lots of burning and crying and splashing cold water. Boyfriend found it hilarious, and my eye is still tingly an hour later. On a side note, I can't imagine what pepper spray must feel like.
I posted a TIFU yesterday about texting my crush and her boyfriend getting mad at me. Little did I know LB (Lexy's Boyfriend) had a reddit as well and he read my post. It made him even more mad and my crush, Lexy, blamed the kiss on me, saying I forced her. So LB believed her. He turned up at my place today in the morning, banging my door and yelling profanities at the top of his lungs and uttering threats that he will "fuck me up." I was scared so I called the police. The police shows up fairly quickly, and I come out and explain the situation. They take him to the station and I follow them for further questioning. I told them I want to press charges against him for Trespassing and Uttering Bodily Harm. However, the fucker says that I sexually harassed his girlfriend and he was just trying to protect her. They call Lexy to the station and she comes and asks me if we can speak in private. Just thinking about the conversation that took place makes me want to cry. She said if I went ahead and pressed charges against her pathetic boyfriend, she will tell the police that I did in fact sexually assaulted her and will press charges against me as well. And I have no way to prove that I didn't! Whereas, she has her boyfriend as a "witness." At this point, I was too scared so I agreed with her and just told the police that we will work everything out between the three of us. I was in shock, I had to ask my best friend to pick me up and I just started crying when I saw him. I can't believe I liked a girl who turned out be an evil bitch just like my ex-gf. I never had this kind of problems with my ex-boyfriends. And I feel so pathetic. I'll stay away from girls for a long, long time. If you two assholes are reading this, then know that you are perfect each other because you both are despicable human beings.
Full disclosure, this happened two days ago.
So I was an event with some professional acquaintances, and I found myself the target of some pretty intense flirting.
I had my hands on the table, and she touched them when I brought up a good idea. I moved my hands under the table.
I said a funny joke, and she touched my shoulder. I moved to the next seat when I could.
As we were leaving, she went in for the hug. Nobody else got hugs. I barely knew this woman.
So I was having coffee with my girlfriend the next day, telling her all about it. I was half proud for my careful avoidance tactics, and (to be honest) half bragging that I was getting attention. I paused for a moment, pleased with myself, smiling and nodding.
Meanwhile, at the instant that I began smiling and nodding, my girlfriend asked me whether this woman was prettier than she was. I continued smiling and nodding, lost in thought.
She asked me, "Are you sure?". Somehow, I missed the incredulous tone in her voice.
I said "Yep!", confident that we were talking about what a good boyfriend I had been.
... needless to say, I slept on the couch last night.
Yesterday I got called for Jury Duty. I work a boring ass job that I hate at a massive hardware store so there's no problems covering my work and I was really happy to get something new and interesting.
I managed to get called for the most interesting case, a month long murder trial and got though the second round ballot to be on the Jury.
Now I am gay and the guy who was accused was the most insanely good looking murderer I have ever heard of (maybe the news selects ugly pictures) and was obviously trying to charm the jury so when he made eye contact with me I smiled at him back. About a second later the prosecution challenged me and I am back in the jury pool.
Now I am stuck on the most boring fraud case that has ever existed that even the judge looks like he's about to fall asleep. I can't help thinking how easy it would have been to just avoid eye contact and get on the way better jury.
This happened about two weeks ago, and for context I need to state that I usually say "have fun" to anyone if they're leaving instead of goodbye if they're going somewhere I specifically know about.
So I had an appointment with my doc, and he tells me he is going on a 3 week trip to South Africa to see his nephew who recently suffered a stroke, and from what I could tell he was taking emergent leave. The appointment goes fine until I'm leaving the room, and if you haven't guessed yet here's my FU.
He said goodbye to me as I walked out the door, and me, being sick and therefore not very sharp-minded at the time, remembered that he told me he had to take holiday time off to go to South Africa I stupidly said:
"Have fun on your trip!".
Luckily before he could react or I could leave, I caught myself. Unluckily however, I said the creepiest/most retarded follow up possible through the crack of his closing door:
"...And I hope your family is well"
The door shut and I gunned it outta there.
I have an appointment again in one week and I hope that he has lost all recollection of what transpired that fateful day.
TL;DR I told my doctor to have fun on his emergent trip to see his nephew who had recently suffered a major stroke.
I feel like Michael Scott.
I live in St. Louis and was driving in the city yesterday, which scares the SHIT out of me. I don't think there are worse drivers than in St. Louis City. So, I was using GPS to get me around because I NEVER drive out there..
All of a sudden it says "TURN LEFT!" Soooo I did.... on a one way 3 lane road with no one way sign into oncoming traffic. Pretty sure I almost shit my pants.
Sidenote: If you have a Kenwood DNN990HD, don't trust the GPS.. I used it again today on HWY 55 and it told me to get off at Idaho.. The exit was Loughborough.
Now I've assembled Ikea furniture before and never had much difficulty, but this was on another level of shared stupidity and lack of foresight.
My friend had recently moved and his family went to Ikea to buy new beds, and from what I understand, one of the employees must have given them the wrong sheet which was for twin bed frames and they hadn't realized it. He had a double mattress.
When I arrived at his house, we went upstairs where his mom and sister were assembling a bed and he was working on his own. He had one of two drawers partially done, and that's where incoherent conversation and our combined passiveness towards the task lead to one drawer being assembled with both side frames being put on upside down; first setback. Then, after flipping them around, we put the baseboard on upside down with the wheel frames facing inside of the drawer; second setback.
So after figuring out how to make a drawer, we made another somehow. Then we had to make the bed frame, but that's twice as hard for two people with half a brain each. Along two boards that put together to make the headboard, 4 plastic buffers had to be hammered in between to prevent cracking (or friction or termites, I'm not a carpenter). Those would then be pried out later of course.
Once the bed frame was fully assembled (without the metal spokes or rolled up support planks) my friend only then realized that the mattress wasn't going to fit.
The real maraschino on top of this fudged sundae night was that half of the cardboard boxes were mangled (I recall wrapping a thin strip of it up like a scarf and wearing it), one of the drawer's boards was cracked to shit, and we had to take the whole god damned piece of shit apart to deal with in the morning and sleep on the floor.
How was your weekend?
This TIFU happened about an hour ago, and I have to say is probably one of my greatest fears. I was in the area of my friends house due to some errands I was running and was probably 30 minutes from my house. My friend happens to also sell me weed, so my plan was to stop by after my business was concluded to pick up some. Now this is a friend I have had for years, and hadn't actually been over to his house in a few months. About 15 minutes before I get there, I am struck with the immediate sensation of hot lava shit dropping chambers in my intestines. At first I thought maybe I could endure until I got home, as I don't like pooping in public or places I'm not comfortable. The tide soon turns however as the the pressure builds and I realize there's no way I will make it the probably 45 minutes until I am home. I wasn't too worried however since my friend lives in a house by himself and I figured I would just tell him about the shitastrophe building in my pants. When I get there the first thing I notice is an unknown car in his driveway, odd but okay maybe someone else stopped by no big deal they were probably picking up as well and would be gone soon. Halfway to the door I realize that my friend told me about a month ago that his sister was living with him for a while. I think to myself not to worry, maybe shes in her room keeping to herself. I walk in to find him and his sister in the living room, she seems very friendly and we talk for a moment as I realize there's no going back now and my time has run out. I ask to use the bathroom real quick and head there down the hall. Okay no problem I think, I will just squeeze a quick poo out and no one will be the wiser. The first problem I run into is that the vent fan was broken, meaning whatever foul smells I conjured would be trapped in there for who knows how long. I sit down and as quietly as possible try to unleash the fury. At first I was able to keep the volume down and thought I might be able to finish up relatively quick. It was then I noticed I could hear EVERYTHING they were saying in the living room. The television was on but the volume was very low, and I remember being angry that the volume wasn't higher. It was then that the battle turned for the worst, as the flow increased and I lost all control. The fart shit storm had arrived and there is no doubt the sound and probably smell was reaching the living room that was ten feet away. After the 15 minute battle that resulted in 2 flushes, a pulverized anus, and a lot of shame;I wobbled into the living room trying to hide my limp from a burning butthole. They were sitting in the living room quietly, probably unsure how to proceed from the horrors I brought them. I made some excuse about getting food poisoning from tacos and concluded my business as fast as possible. She didn't look at me the rest of the time I was there and my buddy told me when he walked me out that was her bathroom while she was staying here.
This happened probably about a year or two ago but I just remembered it now. Not super scarring or embarrassing but enough to make me much more cautious about putting things on my face.
Foreword: I'm pale. Very pale. Buying makeup in the right shade is difficult.
So one day I was just casually going through drawers in my bathroom. Most of the things there are my mom's. It's not like I was snooping through her things, they weren't private and I was just bored. I came across a Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer. Failing to notice where it quite clearly said "DESIGNED FOR MEDIUM SKIN TONES", I excitedly put it all over my face despite the slightly toxic smell. My skin was somewhat dry at the time, so why not try it? I didn't notice until the next day when I looked in a dressing room mirror that my face was much tanner than the rest of me. Thinking back on it, it probably couldn't have been that bad considering no one commented and I had applied it just once, but it felt quite obnoxious and noticeable for me at the time. I'm pretty sure it lasted for just a couple days though.
tl;dr I ignored where a moisturizer explained that it was for darker skin than mine, had a tan face that didn't match the rest of me for a few days.
This did happen today on a sunny Sunday, something that you do not get often in the rainy state of Oregon. A day when you're like, "Hell, I should be doing things in my garden." So that's what I did.
I own an extremely intimidating Goldendoodle (yes that's a dog breed and not some cute baby talk). He's used to getting out a lot. Recently, he's been cooped up inside due to weather. Today was a perfect day for him to escape the indoors. I have a nice backyard where he can run around and terrorize my neighbors through a fence, but unfortunately he has gotten into the habit of eating the long grass that grows back there, hacking it up once inside, making an inexcusable mess, and acting miserable after the fact. So, being the genius that I am, I decide that he can stay in the front yard garden with me. I'll tie him up to my fence and watch him from a distance. In fact, I'll even extend his leash with a bungee cord so that he has some elastic resistance instead of the sharp halt of a leash. Feeling like St. Francis, I tie my dog to the fence and tell him to chill. He wags his curly tail and rolls in the short grass. I go back to planting rad sunflowers.
An hour later an he's just basking in the sun. I've planted at least ten sunflowers. Feeling proud of myself, I get ready to retire for the day. Then I hear my dog bark. He sees a full grown man on a skateboard riding down the street with his beefy boxer dog. A second later the bungee cord snaps from the fence. Before I can thank my dog for letting me know about my faulty bungee cords, he has darted off after this dog-man-skateboard action trying to join in on the fun. I know how scary an unleashed dog can be for some people (no matter how friendly looking) and so I run as fast I can to snatch him up. I can't see him through the hedges as I'm running over but I hear skateboard man roar as he loses his balance. When I make it into visible range, skateboard man seems fine, his dog fine, and my mutt is barking at him and sniffing his dog. I rush over to apologize and grab my dog. I didn't expect the guy to be as upset as he looked when I grabbed my dog. He was cursing, waving his arms at me, doing an alpha-male dance. Before I can tell him what happened he looks at me, red-faced, and barks, "MY DOG WILL FUCKING KILL YOUR DOG, OKAY? I'LL FUCKING KILL YOUR DOG!" My heart drops a bit in my chest. I feel like I just got kicked in the stomach. I grab my dog, no longer fearing for this strangers safety. I tell him, "He just got loose. I'm so sorry. This wont happen again." The guy huffs, and he attempts to get back on his skateboard. I'm pulling my dog away, trying to put a leash on him, and then he wriggles out of the leash. SHIT. He runs right back to the skateboarder and his dog. I'm forced to grab him by his collar and drag him away before this guy follows through with his threat. I'm thinking about whether my dog did something aggressive that caused him to react that way. I know that he was probably scared, owning that large dog for protection reasons, able to kill my Goldendoodle. I also know that saying that your dog will kill my dog is a really shitty thing to say. So, now I have another enemy.
TL;DR - My fluff-ball almost got in a dog fight due to my genius engineering skills. I'm forced to question what kind of shitty people I live near. Also, I avoid certain death bungee jumping due to faulty cords.
