TIFU by probably getting my entire store fired.

So my roommate has a history of doing coke irregularly. Like, once in a blue moon. At parties. I'm okay with it because it's on him, he controls it and doesn't affect me. He smokes weed too.

Two days ago he came to me in the morning and said he got coke off a manager at where we work and did it there.

I went to the other managers and snitched immediately because of the 'at work' thing. This was the fuckup. He was drunk and doing deadpan humor and not on coke. He even did a drug test earlier and it's not in his system.

I'm even more of an asshole because I (until two days ago) smoked weed regularly. I didn't think about it at ALL how much of a stupid asshole hypocrite I was.

I went back to the managers and explained it but... I dunno. If they start drug tests because of me, it'll get literally 3/4ths of the store fired, including me. Nobody trusts me anymore because I'm a snitch. I lost most of my friends since most of my friends are people who I work with.

Today I really fucked up.

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TIFU By peeing in the wrong place

Today I fucked by peeing in a steam room. A small group of friends and I were hanging out at my apts. And our apts. have saunas. We had the "bright" idea to pee onto the hot rocks.

This is where things turn for the worst. In almost the instant the pee hits the rocks. The smell of death fills the whole management building. Our eyes start to water and burn. We start to choke on the air. We made a bet to see who could stay the longest. So we're just sitting there choking on hot piss air. And we all couldn't take it anymore whatsoever. We all run out grab our stuff and book it back to my apt. crying and coughing.

So far it's been 5 hours and it still smells like burnt piss

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TIFU by saying "i like cops" on the bus

So this happened today couple of hours ago(8-10).

I'm and 18yr old male and i was on a bus on my way to meet some friends. The bus was almost full and next to me was siting a 50-60yrs old lady and in front of me was sitting a stereotypical middle aged man minding his own business(i don't remember he other ppl around me).

As the bus ride is more than 30min, usually i play on my phone or browse on the internet so i don't get bored. Today it happened that i was browsing 9gag and i saw a post that said "Try saying I LIKE COPS without your lips touching".

As and very curious and stupid 18yr old male i proceed to test this and there it fucking is... I just whispered out loudly "I LIKE COCKS" on a pretty crowded bus. Luckily i'm in a non-English speaking country and the old lady probably didn't understand me and didn't react(probably thought i was fking high or something talking to my self). But the middle aged dude in front of me starts laughing his ass off as soon as i say this. This sob was literally laughing on and off for full 5 minutes, which looked like an eternity to me. I'm pretty sure some other people heard me too but they manage to hold it. Not this guy tho, he didn't give a fuck.

So there i was, having to spend 20 more minutes with some random ass dude that thinks i like cocks. F.M.L

Screenshot of the 9gag post: http://i.imgur.com/Kh4T7vU.png

TLDL; Look at the screenshot you will get it :)

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TIFU by losing my virginity *NSFW*

OK, so before I write this I will say that this didn't happen today, it was in fact years ago but it's a FU that I think TIFU readers might appreciate!

So, I'm 17 and I've been with my first proper girlfriend (16, I'm no longer with her, lets call her Emma) for around a month now. We started getting touchy feely but never went the distance, on this day though, we decided to try it!

My single bed was squeaky as fuck on a good day, so to make as little noise as possible Emma was lying on the floor. After some uncomfortable foreplay I fumble around trying to find the right spot, after an eternity I find it and can feel myself going in... As it's her first time too it's quite tight, but I had done my research! Apparently there a bone (or something?) that will break (sounds worse than it is) the first time! I feel a small click and know I'm in!!

I wasn't in very far though, in my excitement I thrust pretty hard and felt a horrible stinging sensation! I pull out immediately holding on to my member which is stinging even more now! I move my hands away to see blood! I split my "banjo" and god did it hurt! The moment was ruined, I was butt naked and as pale as a ghost, holding on to my now limp penis... she looked even more shocked than I felt!

Peeing hurt, and any action for 2 weeks was a no go! Thankfully when I felt brave enough we tried again, this time successful! Lesson learned: Don't run before you can walk! Or don't hump before your all the way in!

TL:DR - Got too excited during my first time, pushed too hard, too early and snapped my banjo :(

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TIFU by hitting on a girl at Booster Juice and getting more (or less) than I bargained

So today me, my friend, and his brother drove up north to go drop his brother off for tree planting for the spring/summer. On our way back we stopped off at a small town to grab a BJ (Booster Juice, we saw one on our way up). So we walked in and my buddy nudges me and points out the incredibly attractive cashier working there. I joked with my friend saying I should totally go over there and hit on her. He said "yeah right, no way you've got the balls to pull that off". Me, having just broke up with my girlfriend and in a small town were no one knows me, decided not to give a shit today. Here's where my FU began.

Just to give some background on me, I'm a tall, lanky, white guy who isn't the best with first impressions. So before I go up to her I looked at the menu, trying to come up with something I can make a joke out of and I landed on the very berry smoothie. I went up to her and before she could say anything I said "So I hear the blacker the berry, the sweeter the fruit" (she has darker skin, so I thought this would be funny and was a good call). She gives me this weird look and says "Are you making a black joke?". I panicked and managed to stutter out, "I didn't even know you were black". She said, "Just because I'm half-black doesn't mean I'm not black". So my now my friend is dying of laughter behind me and I'm trying to back peddle, and it eventually just ends up with me leaving without a drink and feeling like a piece of shit.

TLDR; went in to get a BJ, ended up a racist, and left with less confidence than ever.

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TIFU by throwing dog crap at my fiancée.

Hi Reddit!

TIFU by covering an entire room, and everything (and everyone) in it in the runniest, most disgusting dog crap you can imagine.

To set the scene, the previous morning my puppy, a gorgeous Staffy/Lab cross we found abandoned and re-homed, had gotten into a fresh bag of food. As you can imagine, she gorged herself until she was discovered a few minutes later. She was round as a barrel and, as we later found out, heavily constipated.

How ever many times we took her out, she wouldn't dump her load. All day we tried, until it was time for bed. She sleeps with us and the door to the bedroom is closed to stop her roaming the house. Anyway, during the night I get a poke in the ribs and the missus mumbles "something stinks". Being the early hours of the morning, I mumble something back and go back to sleep.

A few hours later, I wake up to a sheepish looking puppy who's refusing to move from the door. Odd, seeing as she sleeps on the bed. Anyway, I get up to investigate. The second my foot hits the floor, I get it. At the base of the bed, on a towel she'd knocked off a chair, is the smelliest, runniest, most vile shit you can imagine, and I just planted my foot in it.

This is where it gets interesting.

Understandably upset, I turn to my fiancée to warn her of the dangerous floor situation. We talk briefly and I put my foot down to get up. Back in the crap. Now I'm furious. I grab the towel to clean off my foot again, only to put my hand in the shit.

In a fit of rage, I grab the towel and in one swift motion, raise it above my head and fling it back at the floor.

"Really?"

Confused, I turn around to face my fiancée. My loving fiancée, on the morning of our registry appointment, now has a giant brownish green turn running down her face.

I look around the room. The same can be said for the walls, mirror, ceiling, dog, bed, my wallet and phone, tablet, and pretty much anything else in the room.

Sadly, the floor didn't swallow me up. I still wish it had.

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TIFU by asking my mom what was funny

Backstory my parents are from central america

This happened a while back. My dad had just gotten home from work just as me and my mom were about to go to the store. My dad walked up to my mom with a sly smile and asked her where we were going. I sat in my car, closed the door as she answered and he whispered something in her ear. Her eyes widen and started laughing uncontrollably. The whole car ride i asked and pestered my mom. She gave in and said. "Your dad asked where we were going and i told him the store for eggs." This whole time shes laughing. "He responded with 'why when you have two right here'"

TL;DR. My dad made a dirty joke to my mom and i asked what was soo funny

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TIFU by holding in my farts whilst in bed with the girl that I like

Here is the most embarrassing situation I have ever been through and it happened this morning which is nice because it's the weekend and I can share it with you. There's a woman that I've been hanging out with a lot lately and apart from a cuddle and the occasional kiss here and there it has been very platonic thus far. I suppose her company is actually far more exciting than the prospect of anything sexual. I've never felt that way, and it's an incredibly nice feeling. I'm enjoying my newly single life after a long relationship so I wasn't really interested in pursuing a relationship, but this woman's slowly filling my brain with these confusing thoughts and I'm thinking that I may want to consider something more. It's important that you understand my thoughts over the last week - I really like her. Last night, I head over to hers and we drank a few bottles of wine and had a good laugh, one thing led to another and our platonic relationship turned sexual. So we finish up, lay there, cuddled and fell asleep. 2 hours later, I'm awoken by a rumble in my tummy. I can tell it's going to be diarrhea, but she was laying on me and I was too embarrassed to wake her up only to bomb her toilet, so I decide to suck it up and hope that my body absorbs all that excess liquid in my poo by the time we actually wake up. So this morning, we wake up and laid there having a lovely conversation which lasted for an hour or two and through it all I can feel gas building up within me. I couldn't let it out. Not when this girl that I like so much is sharing this incredible moment with me. I persistently block any gas from escaping all while she's laying on my chest running her fingers over my body and moving down to my loins. Some mouth to rod business is conducted and as this is going on, I'm really trying hard to enjoy it because that pesky gas was becoming harder and harder to contain. Then she gets me to climax. That beautiful moment was accompanied by a sound....a loud "FFFWWWWIIIIIPPPP!" sound echoed in the room, almost as if a really bad trumpet player was in the room with us. Filled with embarrassment, i try to shift my body away, but as I did this, that trumpet player sound seemed to be interrupted by an angry mob flinging rotten fruit at him. The force of my flatus fired a spray of barely digested butt nuggets all over the bed and on this woman's chest. I'm laying there absolutely mortified, my eyes were bigger than Godzilla's balls and she is laying there beside my balls, gagging with my wasted seed and shit all over her.

Anyway, we cleaned up the mess and she tried to make me feel really comfortable about the whole situation and kept me around for a few more hours, tried to feed me things for my upset tummy and told me all sorts of funny embarrassing stories of her own to make me feel better. I doubt you'd care about this bit, but I just thought it was really nice of her. I still cringe so much thinking about what happened, but on the plus side she seems like a keeper.

TLDR: I got head and shat on the bed

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TIFU my dad knows I masturbate

My dad was asking about spotify and how to use it and bla bla bla. I have spotify on my iPod, so I told him I would go get it and explain everything he needs to know.

Well that was a fucking retarded idea.

I had a link open in a porn website.

Lesbian porn.

I unlocked the iPod and the first thing that pop-ups is the video. I closed it fast but I think he saw it anyway. Welp now he knows why I close the door a lot.

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TIFU by trying to masterbate

So this happened two nights ago and i'm shit scared of the next time i see her,

So my sister has a maths tutor every thursday night, now when i say this maths tutor is a 10/10 im not lying i would legitamately sacrfice my right hands to the gods to be with her. Anyway being me i forgot she was over and after doing a quick checkover of the house to make sure no1 is home decide to settle in for a nice wank. I load up some porn on my computer, get undressed in to everything but my undies, grab my computer and head towards the bathroom for some hands on action. Now the bathroom is right next to my sisters room and just as i'm about to enter who exits my sisters room. Her maths tutor. Seeing me fully naked in my underwear with some nice porn loaded up on the computer. Fuck my life

tl;dr tried to wank got caught by sisters 10/10 maths tutor

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