Monday, 30 March 2015

TIFU by falling asleep in class and apparently letting on rip


First off, I didn't get that much sleep last night, which contributed big time to this story. I was in spanish class and the teacher was showing us a powerpoint with the lights turned off. I was so tired by then since it was almost the end of the day so I ended up falling asleep.


I awoke to the sound of about 10 people around me laughing their ass off and the guy who sits next to me taps me on the shoulder and says, "dude, wtf". I was so confused so then I asked him what happened and he told me that I farted so loudly and everyone had heard it. I honestly had no idea that it had happened so naturally I was pretty embarrassed and ended up laughing it off. I wonder what class will be like tomorrow...


TLDR; At least it didn't stink.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by peaking into gilfriends sisters open bedroom at 3am.


My girlfriend and her sister are roommates and live in a two bedroom apartment. Girlfriend and I come home around 10 o'clock at night and her sister was not home and after numerous texts and calls nothing. (Girlfriend and sister are very close and tell each other everything) I say she's out getting the D and things must be going well so let's leave her alone. She agrees and we go to bed shortly after coming home. 3 AM, I wake up to pee and along the way is her sisters room. it's dark, I'm tired and the door is open so I peak my head in to see if she's home buy couldn't differentiate between a body or just the covers piled up considering I'm still in a daze, but I had to pee so I kept walking.


Tinkle Tinkle…


On the way back still confused if I saw a body or just covers, I stick my head in again but not past the doorway and just a few seconds to allow my eyes to adjust from the bathroom bright light to the pitch black hallway I'm walking through. In my sleepy state, I confirm it looks like a body and my worries go away and head back to cuddle central.


(Because my girl and her sister are so close it's unusual for there to be no communication and at that moment I was only worried because if she wasn't home, I would wake my girlfriend up to start a search party) Both of us wake up at 6am, I go home to sleep some more while my babe gets ready for work (I do not live with her, FYI)


I get a call around 1 o'clock and my girlfriend's sister texted her nasty messages about how much she hates her and I, can't believe she's with me, wishes she never had a sister and how dare he peak Into my room, I could've been naked, he's a pervert, blah blah. (I did not get the shit end of the stick, I got the hot sister who's also super cool) Her sister is neurotic and flips out over the stupidest shit all the time, so I thought here we go again.


Now I'm not wanted in the house or anywhere near her sisters presence. I'm not about to make my girlfriend choose between only a few months of us dating over her sister. We decided, more so me, to go our separate ways!


TIFU by peaking into girlfriends sisters room to see If she was home safe at 3am, got called a pervert, broke up with girlfriend, but worst of all, her own sister wishes she never had a sister. Chicks man!



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by forgetting my wallet.


This afternoon I planned on meeting some friends at Chipotle for lunch. After I got in the car and was only a minute or two from home, I realized that I left my wallet on the counter at home and needed to turn back and get it. So I got in the next left turn lane to make a U-turn. I make this particular one quite often and since I'm in a small car its not too difficult. But somehow, with the pressure of oncoming traffic, I horrendously clip the curb with my front right tire. First I hear "CRRRR", and then "hisssssssssssssss", and then immediately see the "check tire pressure" warning pop up on the dash.


Since I'm only a minute away from home, it's not too big of a deal to drive back and assess the damage. I found that there's like a quarter-sized tear in the side wall of the tire and it's obviously flat. So my brother and I get out the jack and spare tire and do a standard and easy tire change. So we get that done in about 20 minutes and I leave for Chipotle. I get there 30 minutes late, and my friends are done eating and basically just hanging out waiting for me.


After I get my food and go to pay, I realize that I never even got my wallet. I had to have my friend spot me.


TLDR; Forgot my wallet, popped a tire because I forgot my wallet, then proceeded to forget my wallet again.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by letting my dad use my computer


He changed a bunch of personal settings. He also does this with my radio when I let him drive my car, and it really upsets me. He changed the crosshairs on my subwoofer and other settings that are extremely tedious to tweak, like settings on the tweeters and shit.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by smoking weed, eating dominos and watching Live Links


As it goes, this did not happen today, but a few months ago.


I quit smoking weed for a little while after being a frequent smoker. It's friday, and I am at a friends house hanging out with 2 of my boys.


We smoke a bunch of bud, get high as shit, then the munchies ensue and we end up ordering a deep dish pizza from dominos and a big chocolate chip cookie along with some of God's nectar (mountain dew).


We are eating having a good time, watching funny videos like Surveillance man and Fuck her right in the pussy on youtube.


After consuming a few slices of greasy deep dish pizza, some of the sugar loaded cookie, mountain dew and some more weed, I decided to watch a random video which triggered an unfortunate series of events.


I have no idea why I clicked on this video, but the title was something along "Man cuts of womans ass with machete". I click on the video, thinking it's going to be funny, and as soon as I see her with her ass literally sliced off, my body goes into instant panic mode.


My heart starts racing, I break into a sweat and get the feeling like im going to pass out. I actually thought I was dying, which is apparently pretty common with panic attacks. Then I feel the most monstrous, behemoth shit in my stomach i have ever felt in my entire life.


I quickly and inconspicuously walk to the bathroom so my friends don't know im about to pass out and sit on the toilet to take a shit while my panic attack is getting more intense with every moment.


Instead of taking a shit, I let out what I can only describe as a sonic boom out my of my asshole, hear my friends burst out in hysterical laughter in the living room, and next thing I know, I am waking up on the bathroom floor with my pants down after passing out.


tl;dr Got too high, ate dominos, watched gross video, farted a sonic boom then proceeded to faint.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by having my mother, mother-in-law, and girlfriend cook.


Go ahead let it all out. My mom can't cook because you (the shitty commenters) fucked her good. I know you fucked her, do I care not really. Why? I am filled with hate and spite on how my nap ended.


I got home really tired, like dead tired, I was awake all night yesterday. Browsing reddit and doing some work. At around 8 am I had to prepare a shit of stuff around the house because her parents are staying over for three days. Kendra (girlfriend's name I just came up in three seconds) decided she wants to go buy flowers and shit while I clean. By time she got home, she had met my mom whom also decided to come help for some shit reason, probably love but I doubt it.


I finished cleaning at around 1pm. Ran to the bed in my room and just collapsed.


At around this time the parents arrived setting the stuff in there guest room and mother-in-law (bitch #1), probably had the brilliant idea to make some food. Mom (bitch #2) and Kendra (nice bitch #3) also joined apparently.


So. I fucking woke up to fire alarms and tons of smoke coming into the room. At this point I was worried they burned my apartment down. I looked out the window saw people outside looking at the smoke. I immediately grabbed my laptop, phone, wallet, and fire proof case and ran to the living. When I looked at all three of them they were just laughing at the burned food on the skillet (was around 6pm by now). I immediately threw them out of the house, gave them my car keys so I don't have to look at for the next hour while I, I, I cook a nice meal.


So, yeah. The females in my house can't cook for shit.


TL;DR: BURN THE WITCHY CUNTS.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by falling asleep and apparently letting one rip


First off, I didn't get that much sleep last night, which contributed big time to this story. I was in spanish class and the teacher was showing us a powerpoint with the lights turned off. I was so tired by then since it was almost the end of the day so I ended up falling asleep.


I awoke to the sound of about 10 people around me laughing their ass off and the guy who sits next to me taps me on the shoulder and says, "dude, wtf". I was so confused so then I asked him what happened and he told me that I farted so loudly everyone had heard it. I honestly had no idea that it had happen so naturally I was pretty embarrassed and ended up laughing it off. I wonder what class will be like tomorrow...


TLDR; At least it didn't stink.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by naively uncovering my bosses overtime scheme..


Two Parts.


All set forth by a few harmless, or so I thought, questions to ONE (the real one, later explained) of my two bosses. A little background, I'm an electrician currently employed at a brick mill. I was hired through a temp agency to fill a gap in the electrical department at said mill. I joined the ranks of only one other electrician, we will call him Boots.


Neither of us are union, all of the laborers and three maintenance workers brick production are union(sidenote)


On my first day the other electrician opened with "Hi, I'm Boots, its just me and you. I'm not a boss by salary, but I'm your boss in this department" I thought to myself of the phone call I received before accepting the position. I was instructed to meet up with the Maintenance Boss, we'll call him Byrd. I shrug it off.


I soon later meet Byrd, and he introduces himself as the boss of the five men that work in the Maintenance Dept. I didn't think twice about it. Since then Ive been working hand in hand with Boots in repairing any electrical mishap/breakdown/repair/etc. that would come up in our normal day. We've gotten along pretty well I'd say. He has conveyed a lot of information to me for the industrial electrical field.


After a week, a mandatory safety meeting I attended allowed me to work over time, time and half for working hours over 40 hours in a week. I soon started working nine hour days to benefit from the overtime. Here is the FU: This past Friday I asked Byrd if i had a set schedule ( I had been coming in regularly at 530 AM and staying to 3.) He said no, and then I asked "but I have unlimited overtime available?" Not thinking anything of the other maintenance people in the room. HE glared at me intensively, but I just looked around, as I usually do, dumbfounded and curious of how incredibly old and run down this mill had become. (its from the 40s, its a fossil)


Fast forward to this morning. I walk in. Boots says nothing to my standard "Hiya". He barks at me to hook up an air compressor that had been dropped off on the weekend. I think, hes hung over (again) and brush it off. I finish that. He has me organize a small room of wire that looked as if a tornado went through. Manage that. Shit you not, my next objective is to separate and judge by condition weather or not to keep, 20 or so 5 gallon buckets full of every size, thread pattern, and washers of nuts and bolts. Lunch time. (1/8 of a bucket's contents thrown on the floor.)


FYI, by this time I had figured out Boots was pissed at me..


We sat at lunch and he squeezed a lame "..how was ur weekend.." through his gritted mouth. I answered and asked him and he said something along the lines of okay and he mumbled something about Easter. Then it happened. He became extremely red and opened with "..I've worked here for over a year and half and have never had anyone go above my head for what pertains to scheduling. I tell you what to do and I tell you when you work! No more overtime, only when its needed!" And right there is when I realized what was going on. The mill is like high school. There are clique's, and there is a mess of drama. A rising issue with the mill is that it has the majority of the laborers union based. Meaning they are limited to all sorts of normal things regular employees would get. Overtime, paid vacation, and sick days are a few of these. Well when I had mentioned (unknowingly some what incriminating myself) by asking Byrd those overtime questions, the other non electricians in the room were union and I guess started asking questions about my employment. It all came full circle today. I wondered about all those Saturdays Boots would tell me he had come in from 4am-10am and say all he did was sit in the office and do nothing. I realized then that I had totally brought unintentional heat on my co-worker. He spatted out something along the lines that he doesn't want any schedule issues to go up top (the admin dept I'm guessing) so he wouldn't be put on a schedule. Honestly, a lot of down time in the work we do, but he hangs around everyday an extra hour or so and I thought he was just doing electrical stuff as I left.


Now I'm in a weird spot and doomed to separate bolts until I'm thrown in a brick kiln by unruly yinzer farmers!


TL;DR I asked questions that may have made my coworkers overtime scheme common knowledge..



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by being a dumbass in the restroom.


I was in school, in the bathroom specifically, and I was bored, so I did what any idiotic teenager would do, I dicked around. I jumped up, not paying attention to the noticeably lowered ceiling above me, and smacked the top of my head on the ceiling. I didn't think much of it at the time (it didn't hurt that much really), and I went back to class. I got an icepack though, just in case. Later that day, people seemed worried about me, because according to them I was acting funny. I went about business as usual until about 3 hours after the initial moronic injury, when I got called to the front office. It turns out I had vomited and completely forgotten about it. I ended up going to the hospital, and sure enough, I had a minor concussion. I'm currently at home, on my laptop, I have a minor headache, I feel like ####, and I'm supposed to take it easy for about a week.


TL;DR: I HIT MY HEAD AND DIDN'T FIND OUT IT WAS A CONCUSSION UNTIL ABOUT 3 HOURS LATER WHEN I PUKED AND FORGOT ABOUT IT.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU With My Pizza Delivery


So I went to work today, like every other day of the week. We were about to close, when I was told to go out to deliver a pizza, which was weird because We never deliver, and we don't ever make pizza. Anyway, me and my coworker went out to deliver the pizza to him. We actually spent hours looking for his house because we got lost and our car ran out of gas. After what seemed like only 10 minutes, we got to his house and I rang the doorbell. Turns out I forgot his drink. He wouldn't accept the delivery because I forgot the drink, WHICH he didn't even order in the first place. My coworker did end up making him take the pizza though, drink or no drink. Tl:dr spend ages looking for a customers house only to realize we forgot his drink.



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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com