Sunday, 19 April 2015

TIFU by procrastinating


TIFU because I'm sitting there playing Runescape and it was 7pm, my girlfriend is playing Destiny and we were going to watch S5E1 of Game Of Thrones. She keeps saying "hurry up and go have dinner". Its 8:30pm and I decide to go cook the quickest thing in the freezer, hot and spicy chicken breast pieces. I boil the kettle, put some gravy granules, small bits of nutella and a sprinkle of stiry fry seasoning in a bowl (makes some godly gravy, do it occasionally so that it always tastes good). One thing I should mention is my girlfriends family love hot food, Curry is popular in the UK and her Gramps used to be a chef in the army so she grew up on some spicy food.. and I decide to cook hot and spicy chicken from the freezer....


Through out the whole show my stomach is displaying its mating call and I'm constantly farting, my girlfriend doesn't care as we fart around each other, its a natural thing that people do. I'm dutch ovening so hard that I'm sweating into a puddle under my blanket. She goes to sleep and my insomnia kicks in so I start working on a Destiny guide on the forums. Before I know it, my stomach starts kicking hard and I decide to look at the time.... its 4am. "Oh shit, don't I have a job interview at 9am?" "fuck me, fuck me, fuck me".


TLDR: So here I am, 4:22am from insomnia to procrastinating, my stomachs having an anurism from hot and spicy chicken, I'm about to fall asleep, I have to wake up at 7am to make it to this job interview, tomorrow is not going to be a good day.



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TIFU by shouting BOMB!


So this happened quite a while ago but I'm new(ish) to reddit and wanted to share. So I was 16 and very excited at my first real job introduction day after a few rounds of interviews... oh and btw my new job was at... the Olympics. My fellow retail workers and I are being loosely shown around the brand new and very empty Olympic park. Its all going very nicely and I'm having a wonderful experience walking around the empty park one day before the games begin. (At this time I'm feeling like a VIP and gaining confidence by the second because the exclusivity of it all is very exciting) At the end of the 'tour' (I say 'tour' because it was basically do what the fuck you want and meet up later at this point) we all met up with the team leader to talk all things retail... he says towards the end of his talk '...and what are the words we don't say?' to which I heard 'what is the word we don't say' to which I confidently exclaimed 'BOMB!' and that was the point when everyone in my group looked at me in shock and every other team in the mega store looked towards me in horror. Btw the entire park was empty and the doors were open so I'm sure someone outside the mega store but somewhere else in the park thought there was momentarily a bomb scare. After monumentally fucking up my group leader explained the words we don't say are 'do you need help with anything?' because apparently it's too generic or something like that.



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TIFU by trying to secretly take a picture of someone.


TIFU I went to the store to grab a few things I needed to make lunch today, and while I was in the store I noticed that one of the employees was wearing plastic bags over his Jordans. I've seen all the memes and vines about guys protecting their Jordans and stuff and always thought they were funny, but I had no idea people actually did that. So, being the dumbass that I am, I decided to snap a pic.....not realizing my flash was on..I instantly realized what an absolutely retarded human being I was and left the store without buying anything.



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TIFU by not being a racist.


Okay so obligatory "This happened a few weeks back"


So my girlfriend of 5 months now decides it is a good time to meet her parents, and I am super pumped, I mean I am a relatively confident guy, I am at a top university in the UK I do an okay degree and I work part time, so I am not doing too horribly for myself, so meeting her parents should be a breeze as I am not a bum and I do well for myself and I was finally prepared to get a chance to prove to her parents how great things are between we and their daughter.


"Meeting her parents should be a breeze " - Oh was I WRONG


So the night starts, and the drinks are flowing, now I was NOT prepared for her mother to be an absolute alcoholic, now I am a student, I can drink quite well, but my god this woman was filling half the cup with vodka and the other half tequila. She knew how to party. As I was saying the drinks are flowing, the laughs are loud and everyone is having a great time. Until the mother brings up race in to the equation, now she isn't just subtly racist, she is full blown blaming every race under the sun, and she wasn't afraid to hide it.


Now as I had a few drinks down me and like a good debate, I thought it was my time to educate and debate with the girlfriends mother, and this is where I fuck up. I begin to disregard everything she is saying as she is trying to prove "All black men are lazy" - to which i simply reply "That is so arbitrary I don't even know where to begin" Now I am not sure she knew what that word meant, but within 5-10 seconds of that sentence leaving my mouth the house erupted into this woman going off at me, like nothing I'd seen before, and this was my first meeting with her! Within 30 seconds of the dreaded sentence she was chasing me out of her house with a baseball bat. I don't even know what happened after that, I was still extremely drunk, and when I got up to go, my legs felt it so the rest was a blur.


The next morning I got a text from the girlfriend saying "Why couldn't you have just kept your mouth shut, or even better, be a racist". I think it is safe to say I am glad to be out of the KKK anyway.


TL;DR Girlfriends mother is reincarnated Hitler and was pissed off I wasn't her Goebbels, lost my girlfriend too because of it.



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TIFU by being unaware of how a manual transmission works.


So this didn't happen today. Just like most FUs on here. This happened about a month ago. So not too long.


I was looking for a manual car and I went to this place called CarMax. The cars are all unlocked and you can open them up and sit in them. Well, not knowing much about manual, I went into a manual car with my friend, who also doesn't know much about manual cars and I was fiddling around with the interior. So I started fiddling with the stick shift and I took it out of 1st and put it in neutral. He was like, "I don't think you can do that." and I was like, "Nah. It's fine."


Well, now I know more about manual cars, and for those who don't, manual cars don't have a 'park' mode like automatics. Most people put them into gear (some parking break). It just dawned on me that I put the car in neutral and I don't remember the parking break being up. The parking lot was 'hilly' so if there are any winds... that car will just need a little boost to start rolling.


I don't want to think about the damage I've done.


TL;DR: Sorry CarMax if I caused damage. I got more experience now with shifting sticks.



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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU via a joke


So I was hanging out with a female friend I've known for a while, and I decide to tell her a joke I read on Reddit.


"What's red, slimy and keeps trying to crawl up your leg?"


"A homesick abortion"


Immediately, her face goes ashen, she gets this look of absolute horror and breaks down crying hysterically.


Yes, you've got that right Reddit. She'd recently got an abortion and felt horrible about it. Yay me.


TLDR: Made an abortion joke to a godless life hater and scarred her for life again.



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TIFU by losing something illegal at my girlfriend conservative parent's house.


So let me start telling you all I found out about this FU about 3 hours ago.


Some context, I smoke week for over 10 years now, I got a college degree, a good job, and I'm dating this girl for 9 months now.


For the last couple of months I've been staying more at her house (read here her parent's house) than mine, mostly because we live like one mile away from eachother, and it seems pointless to us, being both 25+ years old, for me to go back to my place just to sleep. So every night I sleep with her, wake up, go to work, and come back to meet her after her work, sleep again, and so on.


Every now and then I like to hit the J, like once every 2~3 days just to keep it cool, so I keep a little stash in her place. I usually buy 25g but now it was down to 5g or so. We figured the best place to hide it would be in a cabinet no one ever opens, inside a binder, which has a zipper pocket on the inside, pretty wise, I know, so many levels of security.


So now to the FU. This last thursday I was alone at her place cuz I got there from work before she did, so I decided it would be the perfect time to chill a bit.


I got my grinder, got my papers, had some "keith and tex" pumping the stereo and rolled a juicy burrito. I put everything back on the place, the grinder and the papers that I always keep togheter on my backpack and the stash inside the binder's zipper pocket, and inside the cabinet.


Moving forward to today (sunday) I got to her place and after some fooling around and a refreshing shower, we decided to have some beers and at this cool place in the corner, so why wouldn't I roll one just for kicks and giggles?


So I go to the cabinet, get the binder, open the pocket and then inside the pocket I find..........


THE GRINDER!


And it's a huge metal grinder, I mean, I'm 100% sure I hid the stash there, and not the other way around. I dropped my jaw to the floor and panicked. Her mom is like ultra-conservative and really hates drugs. Her father used to smoke on his 20's but doens't like the fact that I smoke.


They were all aware that I smoke, but they never saw my high or anything.


So now I've got no weed (not that it's a problem to get some more), and I really don't know where the stash is, so I can only be suspicious and wait... But there's also the chance it's lost in the room, and someone, soon or later, will find it, in the worst scenario, as usual.


I've got 3 suspects so far:


1 - Her mom, not so likely because she would confront me about it, and because of that I strongly belive she is innocent.


2 - Her dad. Maybe he replaced the stash for the grinder just to prank/scare me/let me know he knows without having to talk to me, and he took the weed and did god knows what to it.


3 - Her maid. She cleaned the room on friday so it's a possibitily, she might have thrown it away or even took it to her house, who knows? She might even want to blackmail me tomorrow.


Just wanted to share that.... pretty scared right now. It's a very bad feeling to lose something illegal, that can be tracked down back to you.


TLDR: At girlfriend's house, found something else on my stash, don't know where weed is, scared as fuck.


I'm freaking out right now and I really don't know if I should do something about it!


I will update this as soon as I have something new... Jah bless!



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TIFU by trying to get into a bar with a fake ID.


The kid who told the fuck up about pulling out his real ID reminded me of my fuck up.


This happened when I was 20 (I am now 21, thankfully) and just looking to pound down a few beers with some friends. I went to a bar with a friend's ID who somewhat looks like me: blond hair, blue eyes, etc.


I usually don't have a problem unless the bouncer is feeling super douchey. Anyways, I gave my ID to the bouncer and he said, "I'm just gonna need to see something else, man." From the way he said it, I figured any ID would do and he would just let me in if I, literally, gave him any ID; however, this was not the case.


I had nothing else with my friend's name on it and only had my real ID. I thought he was just going to pretend to look at it (ya know, to be cool) and let me in. Me, being an absolute fucking idiot, gave him my real ID with a completely different name, face and state.


He looks at me and starts laughing and shows the other bouncers what I just did (it was also pretty crowded). He took my fake and never gave it back. My friend even offered ten bucks or so to get it back after I left, but the guy didn't budge because he loved dat power trip (gotta love the Stanford Prison Experiment). I really can't blame him too much though, I did fuck up.


Tl;dr: I fucked up



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TIFU by trying to have sex in the shower (nsfw)


This happened Friday night, so I'm coming home from a long night of drinking with some coworkers, and I get to my girlfriends house and I wanna fuck. I try getting frisky with her while in bed but she sternly tells me that she needs to shower. Dick in hand, rock solid, I devise a plan. I watch her go into the shower and I begin thinking that I'll wait a little bit and jump in and surprise her. So for this next part a little background is needed.


So basically, since I was a kid I've had a really sensitive nose. Major changes in weather would cause my nose to bleed, sneezing, blowing my nose, etc. As I've grown older my nose doesn't seem to be as sensitive but every now and then it happens. Friday, just happens to be the day my nose decides to be sensitive. On my way back home from the bar I sneezed and I began to feel my nose get runny, I check my nose see the blood and realize it was only bleeding a little so I shrugged it off.


Back at home, I'm laying in bed figured I've waited enough and decided to hop in the shower. With the shower water running I decided to splash my face to refresh and wake up a little bit. Now, I'm standing behind my gf dick skin pressed against her ass, hands massaging her tits, I'm doing my best to get to pussy town. Then it happens, I start to feel a trickle of liquid down my nose, pass my lips and drip down my chin. At first I thought it was water since we are in a shower after all, but then I realize that the shower head can't reach me. I pull one hand off her tit and press it against my nose, look down at the puddle of blood that formed in the creases of my hand.


At this point both hands are cupped to my face, there's a steady stream of blood flowing out of my nose I turn to face the other way so my gf doesn't see, since she is very squeamish to any sort of bodily fluid. Gf realizes something's wrong looks over and sees all the blood flowing out of my nose, she begins to retch pretty hard I jump the fuck out, and go to sleep a complete failure.


tl;dr: Didn't get to feed the cat.



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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by making conversation


This happened a couple days ago and I still want to hurl thinking about it. I've never been more uncomfortable in my life.


I had to take a 6am flight recently, and I'm not a morning person. So there I am with everyone else in the airport shuffling towards my gate when I see a mom sitting in a chair holding a sleeping baby. I'm a pretty outgoing guy, so I smile and say "boy I wish I was him right now" while pointing towards the baby with my coffee in hand. She gets this shocked look on her face, gives me a pretty nasty snarl and calls me an asshole. My confusion is quickly overtaken by the realization that the baby isn't sleeping, but breast feeding. I clammed up and tried to explain my thought process but I could tell she wasn't going to listen. I walked away wanting to crawl out of my own skin, and didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day.



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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com