So as most TIFU posts go this didn't actually happen today it was several years ago but I only recently joined reddit and this post is only allowed on weekends via rule 3. So I'm a 24 year old white male now and this happened when I was around 16-17 years old. Small amount of background: I had recently landed my first "real" girlfriend (WOO!) and boy was she a keeper. Smokin' hot, older Puerto Rican, in with the cool people (cause, you know, things like that mattered in high school) and I was envied by all the other guys in school. Naturally since she's my first girlfriend, let's call her "Latisha", and we're in high school we explore with sex since we were both virgins. It was fucking awesome. We did the nasty anywhere we could, my friend's bedroom, in my truck behind a middle school at nighttime, in the park, wherever! And eventually, being horny little bastards really bit us (namely me) in the ass (FU INCOMING..). So we're at a regional fair that attracts a SHIT load of people every year from all over the country. We luckily attend on what seems to be the busiest fucking day in its history. DOESN'T CHANGE A THING! As stated previously, we're horny bastards and get down wherever possible. So why not a crowded fair? We try to isolate the least busy women's restroom; yes a public restroom. We find one and scout it for at least 20 minutes. Not a SINGLE woman enters the restroom. So Latisha makes sure the inside is clear and when it is I saunter in, we pick a stall and get right down to it. I shit you not, 15 seconds in, someone walks into the restroom. In my mind I'm like "REALLY?! 20 FUCKING MINUTES OF NO ACTIVITY AND NOW SOMEONE HAS TO PISS/SHIT?!" Needless to say I was infuriated. From this point on, the bathroom was was occupied by someone other than us for AT LEAST 30 minutes. I was sitting on the john, she was crouched uncomfortably behind me with her feet up off the floor and we were both silently bickering cause we saw no plausible way out of this predicament. Until, of course, I generated a master plan. whispering "Latisha, why don't we.....pretend I'm mentally challenged! And you were just helping me use the restroom, you know, as my caretaker!" She's all "We could just pretend you're gay or something, that might make more sense." Me, "No, no, no, mentally challenged is good, let's do this." So what followed was just an awful experience. Instead of just bossing it right outta the bathroom we really did pretend I was mentally challenged starting from behind the door of the stall. She basically ANNOUNCES "Okay Kyle it's time to flush!" So we do and we emerge from the stall to an already stunned and staring group of women and children. I'm dressed nicely, well groomed with my hat slightly tilted cause I was a baller, and yet I'm guided to the sink by Latisha where we proceed to wash my hands, for obligatory care taking affect. "Okay Kyle get some soap, good boy. Now let's wash our hands!" I then begin to "play" with the soap while dawning a dorky facade and whining when she tries to direct me to do it the right way. I can feel the glares BURNING into my skull like a permanent tattoo of disagreement and disgust. Latisha guides me out of the bathroom, I hold character for a few paces after the bathroom and we break into a full sprint after that. The amount of shame and embarrassment I felt lasted all day and I felt the need to throw up any time we passed a restroom after that.
TL;DR Horny couple, crowded state fairs and public restrooms lead to posing as mentally challenged to escape ending in eternal embarrassment and shame.
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