TIFU: Broke a whole carton of eggs because I was too lazy.

OK, I suppose I was a bit distraught at the time.

Background (non-essential but good to know):

The webserver for my blog was down and has been down as of this writing. However, all the evidence pointed to the fault of the web host. When I showed them the traceroute logs, customer support immediately started blaming my ISP. I tried accessing my blog on my smartphone and also had friends try who had different ISPs and none of them could connect. When I pointed this out, my web host mocked me and continued to hammer that I need to blame my ISP.

Nevertheless, since I've got no background in IT, I let it slide since even if it's their problem, they're probably working hard trying to fix it. However, that put me in a sour mood for the rest of the day.

Main FU:

I tend to be "lazy" when it comes to shopping and go on a single trip and get everything I need for the week instead of hitting the store every few days. After work today, I shopped at my local grocery store, Costco, and the petstore (in that order.) If you've ever shopped at Costco, you know that they don't provide you with bags and you might get cartons if you're lucky or bought a ridiculous number of items (which I didn't and hence, didn't get any boxes either.)

When I finished my shopping trip and pulled into the parking lot for my condo, I proceeded to bring my goods home. The bag from the grocery store (stop 1) was already starting to rip but luckily, I found a spare bag in my car and transferred everything into that bag. I then tried carrying that huge bag of groceries in one hand and a bucket of cat litter in the other and contemplated how I'd move the rest of my goods into the house.

While I was in the house after delivering the first batch of goods, I took this red bag I got from Target (you know those that will save you $0.05 every time you use it at checkout.) I stuffed a carton of 18 eggs and two half-gallon cartons of juice (bonded together) into that bag. I took that bag in one hand and a box of 90 trashbags plus 24 cans of cat food (on top of the box) in the other hand. Yes, it was a bit too much but I was determined not to have to make a 3rd trip out to the car!

When I got to the door, I started hearing some crunching sounds in my Target bag. It turns out the cartons of juice were pressing against the carton of eggs since the eggs were at the bottom but placed sorta on an angle and the gravity caused the juice cartons to bend my carton of eggs. I made it inside my home and tried setting down everything but the sheer weight caused me to lose balance. As I lost balance, my Target bag fell flat on the floor with the eggs crunched right between the cartons of juice and the ground.

I managed to recover about 6 of the 18 eggs and my Target bag was a eggoplasmic mess so I just threw it into the trash.

Oh well.. at least I saved myself an extra trip to the car hauling groceries which would have put me over the edge after what happened this morning with the server.. eggs aren't that expensive anyways.

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TIFU by Playing Ping-Pong

Ping-Pong has become increasingly popular in my high school. Most of the kids who play are moronic freshman. They skip lunch and all huddle around the lone ping-pong table in our school. As a junior, I thought it would be easy to beat any of the freshman. Anyways, I was playing this heavy-set, arrogant kid, who had never lost a game. The score was close, and I was nervous. I spiked the ball so hard and I won the game. I did the swing punch thing that athletes do after a big play. I swung a full 360 degrees. I did the whole circle. 360. I ended up punching two sophomore girls and the gym teacher in the face. Three apologies and an in-school-suspension later, and I am ready to ping the pong once more.

TLDR: Won a game in ping-pong, punched people in the face, suspension.

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TIFU by unwittingly getting picked up by a gay guy…

TIFU….. This happened over the weekend. Drunk, oblivious hetero me did not realize what "come hang out" can mean..

Here's the story: Saturday I went out to the bar with my buddy & his friend. We pre-gamed pretty well: I had a 6 pack, 2 shots & 2 cocktails, & we all ate about 150mg of some really good MDMA. After about an hour we decide to walk to a bar. Actually, our original destination was a nightclub (my buddy's friends idea) but after he revealed it was gay night, we decided a bar would be more fun..

We spend the next few hours drinking, rolling & buying way too many drinks for women at the bar ( Well, I did anyways). I probably had another 5 drinks before closing, 2 Jameson on the rocks, 2 vodka red bulls, & 1 of whatever the round I bought for this girl was. Anyways, my boy leaves with some girl & his friend disappeared, so at the end of the night I find myself out front, drunk, still rolling & by myself.

I had left my bag & keys at the apartment, & was still enjoying the night so I just hung around talking to people. I met two dudes who seemed cool, we talked for a bit & after hearing that I had no idea what I was doing at that point, they invited me to come back to their dorm to hang out. Alright. I thought "why not? It's saturday, I'm partying & I haven't been in a college dorm in about 10 years" so I figure it could be fun. We hail a cab & take the 25 minute ride back to the dorm.

Upon arriving two things happen: 1.) They then decide to inform me that they don't have any money…. Okay… I guess I can cover it, night's still young & maybe it will be worth it. & then 2) We get inside & one of them immediately crashes on the couch. Hmmm, Okay.. I guess there isn't a party going on here tonight after all.

At this point the 2nd kid goes into his room for a few minutes, & comes back out with a giant grin, wearing only his boxers. Looks at me & says "WE should probably go to bed"…..

Alright, I guess I'll just sleep sitting up in this horribly uncomfortable college supplied, dorm room chair. He grumbles, the grin disappears & his whole friendly demeanor fades to one of an unhappy camper. He eats something & is off, leaving me & his passed out friend for the remainder of the night (morning).

I spend a couple hours in the chair, then manage to sleep for two on the floor, before going back to the chair & discovering the mini fridge full of crappy beer next to it. I manage to down 7 of them before people wake up, kid #1 leaves & the once-friendly kid #2 tells me I should probably find a cab back into the city. I happily oblige this time.

I just want to say, I have no issues what so ever with anyone being gay, it's just not my style..

TL/DR: Oblivious, drunk, heterosexual me doesn't realize that "wanna come hang out" can mean something completely different to an eager gay kid.

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TIFU getting the giggles

So I preface this with I'd been dribking a bit tonight so apolgoise for maybe a few typos but I thoughht this is a decnet fuck up to post online yeah.

So. Is 1am. I'd been drinking. Normaly aint much nappening in the house this time of night. But all of a sudden. I hear a rummaging and crying from uspstairs. Is my lil bro, he's only 8 years old. So I rush upstairs because shit you hear lil bro crying at 1am you gota check it out could be fucking Jimmy Saville (that's a scumbg pedophile for those who aint british). So I rush upstairs, see my other bro (about 14/15 I got 4 siblings I lose track sorry) coming out his room to see what the kerfuflfe is about.

Turns out poor lil bro had a nightmare, so we both try to console him. But he is very distressed, jumping up and down waving his hounds around acting like a crazy lil demon possessed baby. And, It was quite a funny sight. If it werene't for the face thath e was so upset I would have found it amusing. BUT.

when I'm with bro #2, the older one. we get the giggles a lot. and we look at each other, we make eye contact. and we see it aobut ot happen. any minute now we're gonna burst out laughing and we ain't gonna stop. Now we know we cant laugh at poor lil baby bro because that would ne sme cruel ass shit. But. We get the giggles sometimes. And tonight is one of those times.

we try to hold them in. but iti s too late. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL is the best way to describe it. oh dear. lil baby bro is not impressed. he stars crying even more. 'I had a nightmare and you are laughing at me'.

we try tro explain.but he does no listen. so i slink off back downstairs while other bro trys to look fater him.

and now here i am. postoing on reddit. my first ever 'TIFU'. at least he seems less scared now and more just pissed off

so

TLDR - Baby brother had a nightmare, laughed in his face.

tough love mate, tough love

sorry for being a bit drubk ghopefully peeps can read this still

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TIFU by accidently being racist

Obligatory I'm not actually racist comment.

This actually happened a while ago. One night while under the influence, I happened to be in a nightclub and needed to frequent the bathroom. After finishing, the black gentleman who works in the offering cologne and the dry your hands expecting a tip hands me some paper towels. I accept but apologise after as I realise I have no change. As it turns out this particular establishment doesnt have a guy who works in their toilet for tips and I have just been the recipient of an act of kindness. The look of horror on my face when he tells me is priceless, I start apologising like a crazy person. Luckily being the nice guy he is he laughs it off and tells me not to worry and I continue my night.

To;dr: In toilet in a club, black guy gives me paper towels, I apologise for having no money to tip. He doesnt work there, just a nice guy. He luckily laughs it off. All is well.

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TIFU by forgetting my mother's birthday

I didn't even get her a card. I'm posting this from dinner. She doesn't know yet. Fuck.

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TIFU by not getting involved

The incident wasn't actually today but close enough.

While I was at a major department store's check-out counter, a woman approaches us and asks us if we've seen a 10 year old girl in the area. I hadn't because I was kind of facing the wall. The woman (probably the mother) was agitated but not overly projecting (silent hysteria)?

The clerk without any facial expressions whatsoever starts thumbing through the internal phone directory. The clerk says not a single sound.

The mother is nervously pacing back but keeping her emotions in check. The clerk had no emotions whatsoever. Time goes by. I ask the clerk if there's a phone number for security. Absolutely no response. I probably could have let loose a jar of live tarantulas on the counter and she wouldn't have reacted any differently.

More time passes. I ask if there's a phone number for emergencies. Still no emotion or verbal communication. The clerk continues to aimlessly and seemingly randomly flip through the telephone directory. The woman/mother goes off looking for help elsewhere. The clerk finally looks up and I tell the clerk that the woman is gone. She finally stops fiddling with the directory. Was the clerk simply being stoic, reticent, apathetic or a total sociopath -- I don't know.

But this is where I fucked up: I did absolutely nothing. I'm a bit of a loner and somewhat introverted and I abhor confrontation or drama. I should have spoken to the mother but I suspect that English wasn't her native language and that provided me with a great excuse to avoid engaging with her. I should have called 911 since if the little girl was abducted, seconds count. But I didn't because that would have meant that I would have to talk to someone and answer a lot of questions.

So there I am with a brain-dead clerk who's unable to call any emergency numbers, a nervous mother who I believe isn't fluent in English, a little girl missing and me too afraid to engage. I get through life by being quiet, polite and avoiding conversations which could lead to confrontation or awkward dialog. I was surprised that I was able to ask the clerk if there were any numbers she could call.

That's it. I don't know what happened to the girl. Maybe she just wandered off. I don't read local newspapers or watch TV news so I don't anything more one way or the other except that I might have really fucked up by not getting involved. A modicum of action on my part could have been helpful but I'll never know.

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TIFU by forgetting where I put my phone

So today was a day off for me, so my husband and I were taking care of some errands for my ailing mother in law. We went to pick up her car from the mechanic, but we ended up using Google Maps to find it because we aren't familiar with the area.

There was no parking, so my husband dropped me off to pay for the work while he circled around to find a spot.

Now, I'm not an attractive woman. I guess I'm ok, but no real looker.

But when I walked into the shop, all the guys in there were staring at me.

Thinking that they were just creepy mechanic guys, I tried to ignore them and just signed for the work and paid as quickly as I could so I could get out of there.

It was only when I got outside to talk with my husband (who still hadn't found a spot) that he mentioned that I still had the phone wedged between my cleavage, and my face went scarlet with embarrassment.

I usually use my boobs as a handy hands free device holder while doing things in the car. It's more convenient than most plastic holders and can accommodate any model of phone. I usually remember to remove the phone from between my breasts, but we were so stressed and late that I totally forgot.

So yeah, TIFU by using my boobs as a storage facility and forgetting to remove it before conducting business.

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TIFU by thinking that my shoe was full of Pine Needles...

So some context: I, a sophomore in High School, was at my friend's house playing video games. It was a friday night and we (my friends and I) had all congregated at his house in order to escape the rain. We were soaked, and as soon as we got home we immediately threw off our socks and shoes and raced for towels and radiators in order to dry ourselves off as well as our school supplies. So, later, when everyone was dry, we grouped up in a family room and played some video games/played on our phones. At that point, out of the corner of my eye, I saw some movement, but as my league game had intensified I couldn't look for more than two seconds. However, someone else saw whatever it was, and yelled out, "Cockroach!" At that point everyone stopped for a second and looked back at where he was pointing, but to our sadness the thing had escaped underneath some kitchen cabinets. The bravest among us stepped forth and scrambled to catch the thing before it escaped forever. However, after much blind groping, they could not grasp it. So we went back to playing games.

After about an hour it was getting late, so we all decided to head out and grab some dinner. Unfortunately, our socks were soaked, and as many of you probably know, putting on wet and cold socks isn't really the most comfortable activity... So we all just stuffed our bare feet in our shoes and head out. As we were walking, I kept feeling something poking my right foot, and, unsure of what it was just assumed that it was probably something like some stray pebbles or some pine needles. After a while, it began to hurt more and so I decided to remove my shoe and shake out whatever was bothering me. But I couldn't get to whatever it was. It had lodged itself between the soul and bottom of my shoe. So I reached in with my hand, hopping on one foot, and tried to grab whatever it was. I felt it loosen, whatever it was, and then shook out my shoe. Then, the moving body of a cockroach was flung onto the sidewalk. After that, I, the one who fears cockroaches more than any other insect, threw my shoe onto the ground and started running, jumping and shrieking down the street. It was honestly the most horrifying and disgusting experience of my tenth grade life.

TL:DR, Thought my shoe had some random crap in it. Tried to remove it with hand and shake. Living body of a cockroach appeared before me. Freaking out ensued.

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TIFU by not emptying my images folder.

I am an organizer of a local Arduino Day. I created an LED light array that can show images from the internet. Every image that gets displayed is downloaded first and put into a folder. During my demo I explained this to people, and showed people the folder. I should have emptied it after a particular late-night image test. I slowly scrolled through the folder, and there it was, a bent-over naked woman showing her full booty and more sensitive areas. I quickly scrolled back up and pressed Ctrl-A, Delete. But it was too late. I could hear the chatter and chuckles. Thank fucking god there weren't any women in the audience (... except my wife) Luckily she laughed. It was like that scene in fight club where the little girl starts crying in the movie theater.

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TIFU by watching anime on a plane

I'll keep this pretty short. To pass the time on my flight, I decided to download an anime movie on my phone to pass the time. I really should have checked beforehand because all of a sudden, bam, a shower scene where they show the girl fully nude.

Mfw people around me think I'm watching hentai.

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TIFU by trying something new

So I was alone this morning with nothing to do and I felt in the mood but wanted to try something a little different. I heard stories from my friends about guys who suck their own wieners. at first I thought that was just gay as hell but my friend pointed out how jerking your own self off isn't considered gay so why would that be? It was a pretty good point so I decided to go to my living room to give it a try. As a kid I was always pretty flexible so this was basically no challenge at all, the only problem was the fact that I drank tons of water before trying this out. As my face reached closer to my wiener I puckered up my lips for that extra reach.. moments later I felt my gut clench a bit too hard.. this is where I knew I fucked up.. I ended up pissing like a geyser all over my puckered lips. I'll never forget that disgusting but oddly refreshing taste on my lips. My family came home right as it happened and walked in on me with complete terror on their faces. I have never felt so embarrassed In my life.. If only I didn't clench so hard.

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TIFU by getting pink eye

So me and my girlfriend were on a date and decided to have extended time. We go to my place, pop a couple drinks and get drunk. At this point,we're already having sex and I like to try new things with my girlfriend. So I decided to eat her ass after eating her pussy out. After I was done. This is where the FU part, to her, she thought it was funny to fart in my face. At this point, I didn't care and I thought it was funny. In the morning however, I had a lot of crust in my eye and it was red, meaning it was pink eye. TLDR: Eats ass, gets pink eye. Fuck u Ismael.

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TIFU by editing my teachers Google Slides instructions.

This didn't happen today; rather, it happened last week. So, I have this teacher, We'll call him Mr. V. Mr. V. is around 50-60, and isn't necessarily the most tech-savvy person at our school. So, he sends us a Slides presentation containing the instructions to an assignment. Our class is by far his least favorite and worst class. Kids show up like 10 minutes early, constantly talking, etc, etc. So, someone in the class finds out that the document is editable and tells the teacher. Rather than fixing it, he announces to the entire class it is editable and to not edit it, as well as sending another one we can't edit. Things were okay, until I got an idea after finishing my work for the day. I go to the third page, delete all the others, and put a large picture of a hamburger on the page. A kid says "What's going on with the document?" and everyone goes to look at the magic that is editing. I google "raise your dongers" as it's the first thing that comes to mind that I can spam that isn't overly vulgar and won't get me suspended, go to the cached version of the KYM article and copy it. I go into the document to see the others experimenting with editing. They're harmlessly typing stuff like "hello" and having basic conversations. I, then, copy/paste a bunch of dongers into the document. I continue holding down ctrl+v, and dongers fill the screen. Kids start saying "Who's doing that?" and "Stop it." and blabity-blabity-blah. They try to stop it by holding backspace. The dongers are too much, they overwhelm the tiny amount of inputs. A poor girl who was even less tech savvy was horrified, believing she had done it and had given us all viruses. She raises her hand and the teacher walks over. "What's wrong?" he asks. She points to the screen. "Who's doing that?" he asks. All the kids in the class point at me. He looks at me, and says "Is this true?" I say yes. I am no longer able to use the laptops in that class.

TL;DR: Dongers were raised, computers taken away.

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TIFU by getting kicked out of my house.

Recently my dad decided I shouldn't live with him anymore, and I decided to move in with my mom. By the way, my parents are divorced, but both are remarried. I drove over to my dads today to pick up a light that I made in school when I was younger, but it was my favorite thing in my room. I never told my dad when I was coming over to get it, and I think you can already assume what happens here. As I went to unlock the door, I heard a loud shriek. I opened the door to probably the most disturbing sight I've ever seen in my life. I really do think it was the worst possible moment in my life, and I feel like I'm suffering somewhat of PTSD now. Of course right on the floor in my living room was my dad with a t-shirt on and no pants (and a full hard on, trust me not what I wanted to fucking see right after a long day of school), and next to him by now since they both panicked, was my step mom fully naked, out of breathe with one of my Hawaiian shirts on that I left at the house, and sunglasses on. As my dad was trying to explain what happened, I ran to my room and left without saying a word. I have no idea if my dad has some sort of fetish for dressing up for the beach or something but now I know to not go back for the shirt at some point.

TLDR: Don't ever leave things behind when you move out.

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TIFU by blowing soap bubbles

Found out about TIFU a couple months ago, first time poster, sorry if the format is weird. So this didn't happen today, but about 7 or 8 years ago, when I was in elementary school.

A bit of backstory - I went to a very small private school, and there were only about two classes in each grade there. Being the immature kids we were, there would be a few designated times every day where the teachers would take their students to the bathroom for a few minutes, and then go back to class afterwards. Of course, you weren't allowed to spend too much time in the bathroom so it was usually do and done pretty fast.

So here is the FU... a while back, I had found out how to blow soap bubbles from my hand, which I thought was just about the coolest thing in the whole world. Well, I guess I was really exited to show off my new skill to my friends, so I showed it to one of my best buds. Apparently, he also thought it was pretty awesome and showed a few more guys in our grade.

Before I knew it, things got to the point where if you hadn't mastered the art of blowing soap bubbles, you weren't shit. Unfortunately, the only time to be had blowing soap bubbles was during the short time we had to go to the bathroom. That day, everyone was crowded around the sink, scrambling for more soap(about 15 or so kids using 2 sinks). I decided I wasn't going to waste my time trying to get a good spot, so I reached into the mass of people just to rinse my hands quickly before I left the restroom. I came out and was waiting for my classmates, but I guess they took way too long, and one of the teachers went into the bathroom catching everyone red-handed(or soap-handed?).

Long story short every single guy in my grade got in trouble for doing this, except me. And that's why you should never blow too many soap bubbles.

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TIFU by dating a pathological liar, manipulator, and shamelessly trashy girl.

This has been going on for the past 2 weeks or so. I met her, Friday 2 weeks ago, at a bar (great start so far...) through a coworkers girlfriend. For the sake of anonymity, we will call coworker and coworkers girlfriend (Tim and Sarah). Me and my buddy (let's call him "Brohan") met up with everyone else at the bar. As I walked in, she was sitting there with Sarah and Tim. I thought she looked flawless; blonde, blue eyed goddess (ironic that I'm German).

I quickly found out from Tim that she is single. I went and talked to her and within the hour I had her number and had asked her out. Unfortunately, my buddy Brohan decided to drink a little too much and got him and I thrown out upon his attempt to whip his pud out in the middle of the bar. Nice one bro...

The next morning, much to my surprise, I had a text from her. So for a few days, I had nothing to fret until the next Wednesday, the night before our date, I found out that she had slept with some random guy from the night I met her and went out with some other guy the following Sunday. Weird and TMI, but I wasn't going to blow off the date just yet.

Turns out the date was great! We had a blast and stayed out until 3AM just talking and dancing. Side note: I'm a classic gentlemen who will serenade a lovely lady, but not sleep with her on the first date...the few of us left. But, I had to pry out some info from her if i had a hunch that she was anything other than what she seemed. I asked her what all she and the group did after I got kicked out of the bar with Brohan. She had this elaborate story about how they stayed and had a blast, but in the end she went home.. True or False, who knows.

Well, We tried to hangout this last Saturday but she was "with her girlfriends" apparently. Today is Tuesday, and I have a date with her in 1 hour and I just found out that she has supposedly been sleeping around with 3 other guys and lying to me about it the whole. And, on Saturday, she went out with Tim's friend (let's call him Steve) and roommate to party downtown. Apparently, Steve went to the bathroom and when he came back, she was making out and grinding all over some random guy. She left the bar the Mr. Random and went back to his place; at 3:30AM, she calls Steve and asks to come over and stay with him.

Wow, two guys in one night...classy. Although, I'm hearing this, everything, from one source.

I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her, when I see her, about everything. Her reaction will tell me everything I need to know. If this post is successful (as in, people are interested) I will post updates.

TL;DR - Met hot blonde at bar, went out a few times, RED FLAGS...RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. Now I have date with her in 1 hour.

2015FuckJenny #NeverForget

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TIFU by adding 2 supposed Facebook employees

Well, here's Dale8998, posting his most recent screw-up: I almost got scammed. Here's le story now: I was checking out FB, when I noticed I had 2 friend requests. I foolishly added them and proceeded to notice 2 messages. I talked it up with the girl. She said that I had a prize worth 500 grand and that it had been delayed. I then proceeded to talk it up with my mom RL about the possibility of it being a scam. She said it was. Well, wham, I proceeded to make up an excuse I could proove: I wasn't rich. She messaged me again, I gullibly replied, when I suddenly realized it was a scam. Unfriended her, searched up the chick, the top row was an old-looking FB worker. I asked her for help, proceeded to block the scammer's girl account. Went to the guy, blocked and reported him. I think FB has the IP address in mind, so the scammer will probably be banned on all accounts. TL;DR: If it looks like a Facebook representative but she says something about a $500,000 prize getting delayed due to you not paying, block and report.

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TIFU by drinking too much

This did not happen today, but this is an authentic series of events that happened to me. Understandably, this has taken me a little while to feel comfortable to share. Please enjoy.

Last July I was on summer break from college. I spent much of the summer partying with friends from high school, but on one particular Friday night I went to my friend's house for a party. The party was fairly uneventful with the exception that I played way too many games of Snappa, also known as beer dice(a beer drinking game). We played for hours and I can't estimate the number of drinks I had.

I wake up the next morning in my bed at home with a splitting headache. I can barely open my eyes, I don't know what time it is, and I have no memory of coming home last night. That's when I realize it; I am also naked. This is not good, I always sleep in my boxers. I have on two previous occasions woken up nude without a girl after a heavy night of drinking in college. On both occasions I had peed in my dorm room.

I sit up, head still spinning, and spot an enormous wet spot on the carpet of my room near the door. "My mom is going to freak if she walks in" I think. I sneak out of my room, grab dirty towel from the laundry room, and cover the pee-spot with the towel. I crawl back into bed and doze off hoping my mom doesn't discover my lazy cleanup effort.

I don't know how long I fell back asleep for, but I hear the door to my bedroom open, and my mom softly calling my name. I don't roll over and pretend I am still asleep hoping she will leave and fail to discover my crime.

"(my name)! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" my mom screams. My mom rarely swears so I know she has caught me and I know I am in for a tongue lashing. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" she screams again. I roll over and sit up to look at my mom, but I am immediately confused because she is not looking anywhere near my pee soaked towel in the corner.

It takes a moment for my hungover eyes to focus on what she is looking at, but when they finally do, my mom is staring at a white painted wooden chair I have at my desk. Sitting on this wooden chair is a single large, solid piece of human shit. (If you have not seen poop out of water, it looks considerably larger when removed from the toilet.) "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?!" She screams at me.

I sit there speechless, unable to formulate a single thought or response as to explain what I am looking at. I am still staring in utter bewilderment at this turd when my mom re-enters the room(I never saw her leave). She slams bleach and bathroom cleaner down on my desk. "CLEAN IT UP!!!" she shrieks at me. I never say a word; what could I possibly say to in any way make this situation better.

It has been a little over a year since this happened and the deep level of embarrassment has subsided. Since she brought the cleaner in to the room my mother has never spoken a single word of what she saw in that room that morning. She did not tell me dad, my siblings, or ever mention it to me again. She is a saint.

TL;DR: I woke up after blacking out from drinking scared I had peed in my room the night before when in fact I had taken a poop on my white desk chair which my mom discovered.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by watching porn

TIFU by doing something everyone does. But this story is a little more unique than you may think, so grab a bag of microwave popcorn and sit back- you're going to love this one.

I'm going to go right off on the other foot here and note that this actually happened several years ago, and I'm much older now, so by no means did this happen recently. Now a little backstory:

Up until the forefront of this incident, I used to be one of those people who watched porn for the sake of watching porn. They say curiosity killed the cat, but believe me, this pussy is still... rioting.

So anyways, my Dad leaves the house to go and get groceries, and the house is practically empty, and so I think "Here's a good time to go ahead and do a little bit of snooping on 4chan's hentai board."

So there I am, on the couch looking at this really nice hentai pic, and what do you know; I hear the door to the house opening. At this point, a million thoughts are going through my head, so I act quickly, place my iPod behind a pillow and proceed to sit in the most awkward fucking position imaginable.

He looks at me with a confused look, and says "Why are you sitting like that?" I shrug my shoulders. And then he goes right off and says the most perceptive thing: "What are you hiding this time?" ...fuck.

Now at this point, I am basically holding myself against the couch while he is trying to get at the iPod behind the pillow. Obviously he's much stronger than me, so he manages to get to it first. Unlocks the damned thing to find the hentai (should have put a passcode on it), and then he turns at me and gives me the most disgusting fucking look, like he found dog shit or something.

25 minutes later, after a rather heated discussion, he just fucking drops it. And we didn't speak about it again...

for another three months. And believe me, he brings this up at the most opportune time a person could possible conjure.

So it's Christmas, we're all sitting around the tree opening presents. (For the record, I got a t-shirt which directly references everything I love about bacon. I'm wearing it right now.) And my grandma is sitting on the corner of the couch, my cousins and other family members surrounding me. Common family scene, and my dad is having a group convo with everyone. And then:

"Oh, by the way, I caught Sephiroth412 watching porn." DUDE. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. My jaw just dropped. And after a moment of silence, everyone just bursts into laughter, and then we get into a really embarrassing discussion about how all of my family members had watched porn before. Thanks, but I don't really need to know about your past... tendencies.

And yes, I learned my lesson- avoid watching porn in your own home, because your father will ridicule you for it and embarrass you in front of your entire family.

TL;DR: Got caught watching porn, was ridiculed by family, now being more careful where I view porn.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by throwing a basketball at my aunt's head

I don't know if others will think that this is as bad as I thought that it was, but it sure as hell was awkward afterwards... So, lets get the setting down first, my family and I are at my grandparent's house in their front yard. We are all hanging around waiting for dinner to be ready, and my sister and I are playing with this little basketball hoop that they have on their driveway. Me being the idiot that I am, I tried to make a super-long shot to the hoop, and completely over-shot it. Since the ball was about 15 feet behind the hoop I ran to go grab it so we could continue playing. After I got to the ball I yelled "OP's Sister! Catch!" She heard me, but sadly, my athletic performance was not doing very good that day. This is where the Fuck-Up begins. I attempted to throw the ball to my sister, and missed. The basketball went flying about 6 feet to the left of my sister and hit my aunt square in the side of the head. She replied by yelling "Fuck!" very loudly. She was rushed inside and given ice for her bruise. To this day I still cringe thinking about it.

TL;DR, I tried to throw a basketball to my sister, but instead threw it to my aunt's jaw/cheek

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by mentioning to my (Thai) girlfriend that my transgender friend is in Thailand

I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible. My trans friend is currently in Thailand (for reasons you can probably guess), she did a private post to a few of her friends on facebook announcing this. A few days ago I was with my girlfriend talking about her (just how we met really), then we talked about going to Thailand for a couple of weeks on holiday, to which I then said in passing "oh, [trans friend] is in Thailand atm". Little did I know that she wanted this to be top secret... This evening my girlfriend posted a comment on one of my photos that my trans friend had previously posted on, saying "have a good holiday in Thailand". Shortly after I received a pretty angry message from her, so I found the comment and deleted it. The privacy was set to friends only. I feel absolutely terrible about this, and being trans myself I feel like I have "let the team down". I just didn't see it coming when I casually mentioned that she was in Thailand... Help me not hate myself

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by telling my teacher to get a room and use protection

I was meeting up with two friends in the cafeteria, and as I walked down the hall I heard this flirtatious giggling and whispering. Automatically assuming it's coming from the two friends, who are a couple, I decide to shout "get a room!". We just had health class, so for good measure I add a touché "and while you're at it, use protection." Round the bend, and lo and behold, my science teacher and the janitor are staring at me with a demonic look in their eyes. FML

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by playing an april fools prank on my best mate

So this happened a few minutes ago and he won't reply to my messages. And I have been seeing this girl for a while now. I woke up this morning realizing it was April fools day (I live in Australia) and being the guy I am I decide to prank my best mate let's call him Ash. Me and this girl have been seeing each other for the past few months and we have had sex. Ash knew about and I decided it would be a good idea to tell him that I accidentally get her pregnant. After 10-15 minutes of messages I reveal its a prank and now he won't reply to my messages. Its also worth noting that I didn't realize I woke him up from his sleep in.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by farting on the plane

The following story is 100% true and isn't something I've made up for this subreddit. Warning: the following content isn't suitable for children.

The obligatory "this didn't happen today", it actually happened last week. I work for a relatively large IT company so I'm often required to travel to work and to attend conferences. Aweek ago, I had to attend a technology conference in Kuala Lumpur, which meant I would be away from home for around a week. I went to the bathroom at Heathrow before departure as I had a particularly spicy burrito in the terminal, so I thought it was a good idea to cleanse myself. Six hours into the flight, my bowels began to throb and growl. I was sat inbetween two sleeping obese men, so asking them to let me out into the aisle was a no-arooni. I could feel it intensifying with every minute. To relieve some of the pressure, I released some of the potent gas, much to the dismay of every single person on board. It was gross! Yuck! It smelled of rotting sewage and eggs. Within minutes, everybody began sniffing, looking around to identify the culprit and whispering amongst themselves. The flight attendants began spraying air freshener in the aisles, and one of them said to the other "there's no need for that is there? What an awful fart!". Just when it couldn't get any worse, the authorative voice of the black pilot penetrated the silence. "Hmmm, there's been a significant disturbance in the cabin, we are going to have to turn back to London, me and FO McTharon feel the comfort of everyone on board is the most important aspect of flying after safety, so we will be turning back sorry". For the next six hours, all eyes were on me. The stench had obviously emanated from my area.

I was greeted by a mortifying sight upon landing back in London. Bomb disposal units and emergency vehicles lined the runway, their sirens ringing through the air. The plane grined to a halt. "Everybody stay in their seats!" shouted a group of SWAT as they stormed the plane. They were convinced that somebody had detonated some sort of gas bomb on the plane. The lasers on the guns shined through the cabin. Their efforts at finding the gas bomb were fruitless, so they left and we were allowed to disembark. I spent the next eight hours sat in a waiting room in Heathrow with 250 very angry people waitng for the next flight to KL. 'Sall good though, the guys who sat on either side of me high fived me for my impressing fart. Still embarrassing though!

Reddit, today I fudged up real bad!

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by leaving my window rolled down for my dog in the backseat and chillen near a park.

So this fuck up happened just a few hours ago. I just got back from bringing my pup to the park and doing some laundry, im enjoying the song that just came on so i just stay in the car while its parked and leave the window rolled down for my dog about halfway so he can do his thing. Now my dog is a lab/whippet mix and while i have him trained well inside; however outside hes a nightmare if he sees any squirrels or other fast moving small mammals. Being part whippet he can run extremely fast hes pretty much the Usain Bolt of dogs. So im just about to get up and go and he just jumps out the window after a squirrel. Thank the universe were in a park with lots of things to distract him from running in to the road so now its just a matter of outsmarting him lol. He runs up a hill with a lot of bushes and trees on it i see this as a perfect opportunity to trap him, i bolt dead ahead and try to cut him off making a turn, he just beats me and gets open field. One tree sits in the field and is comming up so i decide fuck it im going to cut a wide angle and tackle the shit out of him when he cuts the corner on the other side. Just as im about to full on tackle him he just stops and comes to me LOL it probably dosent sound that funny but i was so ready to take him out it gave me a good laugh and a sigh of relief. not the most exciting fuck up but hey at least its not about how i was fingering my gf and she left her tampon in for a week or some shit.

edit: sorry in advance for poor sentence structure and bad punctuation

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by drying my 3 y-o daughter's hair while she was still in the bath.

I'm such a stupid fuck. The wife was gone doing grocery shopping, I just wanted to save time so I could watch netflix alone later... I didn't think for one minute. Nope. Brain was turned to the "off position".

I'm having difficulty holding my tears, so please bear with me...

The damned towel fell in the bath !!!

FUCK.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by browsing r/gonewild

Obligatory "it wasn't today"

I was on gonewild the night before and I just locked my phone and fell asleep. I was awoken to a angry SO now ex that I'm a "fucking sick pig" I'm single now

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by getting kissed by a hot girl.

English is not my native language so please bare with me :)

I'll start off by explaining some stuff that will be important later on into the story.

So at my school we have this tradition that after graduation, all the students attends to a party before summer break. I would attend the party with my best friend. She is seriously amazing. She is a solid 10/10. Her body and looks are beautiful, and her personality is perfect. At the end of the night, she said something like "lets take a picture, so we can remember this day" I never understood why girls wanted to take so many pictures / selfies, fucking annoying man. I basically ended up responding "Yeah whatever, lets get over with it" So we ended up taking the picture; She was holding around my arm while kissing me and I was actually smiling. That ended up being one of our favorite pictures since I never smile.

Whatever fast forwarding 1 year later I was seeing this other girl. We talked alot and I really liked her. One day I ended up watching some movies or NetFlix at her place. Suddenly I noticed I've been there for a while. I checked the time and it was around 2AM. I said I had to go, but she convinced me to stay the night.

She told me she had to change before going to bed, and asked if she could borrow my phone while going to the bathroom. I was really tired so I didn't really think too much about it and handed her the phone.

When she came out she was just wearing a thong, and one of my tshirts she "borrowed" from me. She was so beautiful and I felt so lucky. So we went to bed and she said: "oh i almost forgot, here's your phone" and kissed me. "maybe you should change your wallpaper, its kind of boring"

Fuckup incoming...

Alot of you are maybe familiar with the new iOS 8 photo library update. So now your pictures are listed after dates and locations, which makes it extremely inconvenient, at least for me. Me being tired and exhausted I changed to the first picture I could see, that being the pic of me and my bestfriend after graduation. So the girl i liked got closer and layed my arm around her. She grabbed my phone and wanted to see my new wallpaper. She being completely unaware of that only being my friend got sad and went to the bathroom and started crying. She must've thought I had another girlfriend or something I guess you could say I didnt get laid that night, but it gets worse.

The situation was really awkward so I decided to activate ninja mode and just go home and decided to just text her later. I felt really bad, and wanted to make her happy again, so I just found a pic of her from Instagram or something and decided to change my lock/homescreen. I had to swipe down several pages to find the pic, due to the fact that it was at the bottom of my camera roll, but when I saw the picture of her, I noticed several more. I clicked on one, and it was her in the bathroom just wearing a bra. I started to furiously swipe between them like fucking Sherlock Holmes investigating evidence of murder. Me adding 2 and 2 together, I found out she wanted me to notice the pictures she took on my phone. Never felt worse in my entire life. Awkward as fuck, and I cant get over her.

TLDR: Took a pic with my [F] bestfriend. The girl I liked borrowed my phone and took some pics of herself at the bathroom. She wanted me to see them, and asked if I could change my lock/homescreen. iOS8 update fucked up the camera roll. Me being extremely exhausted ended up changing lock/homescreen to me and my best friend. Now she thinks I have another girlfriend. She got sad, and I still dont know what to do.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU when I excused myself to the bathroom during my psychology exam

I'll begin with a little backstory. I used to chew tobacco habitually, so it became a habit for me to chew while I drop the kids off at the pool. Soon enough I realized that it was time for me to quit because of the habit that the chew was wreaking on my gums and teeth. Because I figured it was a healthier option, I began using an e-cigarette. With the use of this new gadget, I no longer needed to chew and poop, I could simply use my vape.

Now onto the story, which I'm sure you're beginning to piece together. I had never really tried to use the bathroom without some sort of nicotine because it never occurred to me that it may be a problem. During the middle of my second psych evaluation, the hasty juliobertos dinner I consumed the evening before had come back to bite me. I had a fire in my bowels like nothing I've ever experienced before. Obviously, i excused myself from the test to use the bathroom, making sure to get my vape from my backpack on the way out. I arrived at the restroom, dropped my pants, readied my vape, and proceeded to attempt to expel this demon from my rectal cavity. Right then, a realization struck me. I had neglected to charge my vape the night before, and after quickly testing the power, my worst fears were confirmed. The battery was dead, meaning I had no nicotine and was going to have to try to poop without it. This was much more difficult a task than I expected. I sat there for a few minutes doing my best to relieve myself, but to no avail. I was in so much pain at this point that I couldn't even bear the thought of returning to my test. With that, I retrieved my backpack, left my test where it was, and went home. Needless to say, I failed.

TL;DR: found out I literally cannot poop without some sort of nicotine and failed my psych exam as a result

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by letting a guy get me excited.

So I was sitting in my living room with my computer hooked up to my TV so I could play Skyrim or League of Legends on a big, beautiful screen when the guy I've liked for ages texted me. I texted him back for a while then asked if he wanted to hang out tomorrow, which I wasn't expecting an answer to because he's probably the worst texter in the world. Seriously, he NEVER texts back. Ever.

However, this time he did text me back, and I was holding a Mason jar of water when he did. (My mom freaking LOVES these Mason jars with lids she bought. That was what I was drinking out of.)

And he was like, "Yeah, we'll hang out tomorrow."

And I felt super pumped and good about myself so I got super excited and slammed my glass down onto the floor, which is carpet so nothing bad would happen, obviously.

Except I'd been eating M&Ms out of one of my mom's favorite glass bowls earlier and had left that on the floor with me.

So instead of texting him back I spent the past thirty minutes vacuuming my floor and trying to keep my dogs away from the mess of shattered glass.

And now I have to explain to my glass-loving mom why two of her favorite dishes are now sitting in the trashcan.

But I still get to hang out with that guy tomorrow so, um, yay?

Not as big a FU as most of the ones on here, but I felt bad about my life so decided to share it anyways. (and A+ for misleading titles amiright?)

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by getting my money stolen

so this FU is not really very entertaining or humorous or even consequential really. I just feel really stupid.

This actually happened "yesterday" because I am typing this at 12 45 am. Okay, so right now I am on a school trip to Paris. We were on a tour bus sightseeing Paris when we were stopped by police officers. It was a normal thing. Here in Paris there are strict regulations on how many our you can drive a tour bus because of increasing pollution. We were told to walk around for 20 minutes while we waited for the police to check up on the drivers papers. I start walking around, looking at the various cafes, and taking some pics of Norte dam. Well while I was looking at an extensively expensive menu for a cafe, my friends left me for a second to go see if our chaperone was calling us to the bus. In those few seconds two young ladies walked up to me and asked me to sign something. I figured it was a petition because there were various signatures. So I sign and then they ask me for a small donation for blah blah blah. Couldn't really understand them. So I'm like okay a euro so you can leave me alone. I pull out my wallet and the lady grabs the euro and walks away. My friends call me over and I run to them. When I opened my wallet later I saw that they grabbed 2 20s with the 1.... FML.... I feel like a fucking retard.

Tl;dr don't pull ur wallet out in any tourist city unless ur at a store

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU By asking my friend if we were going to prank her boyfriend tomorrow

This actually happened today.

Necessary info: my friend is a rape survivor. She's fine about the whole issue and has gotten help and is pretty much over it, so the event isn't the problem it's usually people's mindset about rape.

So two weeks ago, my friend and I had thought up of an elaborate plan to prank her boyfriend to make him think she was pregnant. This involved her friend texting him congratulations and me texting him saying he needs to talk to her and a few other steps to try and thoroughly convince him she is pregnant. I know, riveting and original prank idea.

Anyways, today I wanted to know if she wanted to go through with the plan. After texting her she replies along the lines of "I have bigger issues right now than pranking my boyfriend. He says all rape victims are blame for their attacks. I've been crying for 30mins." Than a second text "I'll talk to you later."

TL;DR: this a really short story

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU trying to be helpful

So this actually just happened, well at least we found out about it right now.

Our company fridge freezer had been completely overrun by ice. I had asked our little handy guy to fix it about 17 times (probably more but who is counting?)

Finally the door wont shut and all the food is warming up and the milk going off. I decided I would be a good manager and show that even management can get their hands dirty.

So I took on the task of defrosting the freezer. I have done this at home before but my fridge is pretty good and has an anti frost thing so I normally pull off the ice and then the freezer is back to normal.

No this one had the titanic iceberg attached to it. (This is also a little bar fridge.) So I did my best chipping away at it. I was feeling pretty good about the fact that I got in their in my business skirt on the dirty floor and removed this huge ice block.

So of course I went around telling everyone, see management can get their hands dirty. I cleaned out the ice from the fridge, pat me on the back. (Cringing now)

Cue this morning arrive to work and something in the kitchen smells like death. The smell was so bad it could have turned the hardest of stomachs.

Then my heart sinks I figure out it is coming from the fridge. I opened the door and yes the smell is located in the area that I had spent a good hour working on yesterday day. So I opened it up and all the yellow oil is pouring out of the side of the ice box. It has gone through the whole fridge, all the food is covered in yellow oil, that kind of smells like burnt plastic, mixed with spoiling milk.

I see the reason, in my enthusiasm to get rid of this ice, I must have hit it too hard and punctured a hole through the ice box, and now there is cooling liquid pouring through the fridge.

I called the service company, they had a good laugh at me and (I quote) "You fucked the fridge."

So now we have no fridge, and I need to run out and go buy a new one. Luckily my company sees the really funny side to this.

TL:DR I tried to be helpful, but I was too enthusiastic cleaning the fridge and now I need to buy a new one

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by standing in the middle of a hallway fight

Background: I'm in my second year of community college in some inner city area, I'm a bit of an awkward girl, and I also have a nasty tendency to listen to my music far too loudly with headphones.

The Story: So, my professor let us out exactly when the class is supposed to end, which is sort of strange because I'm used to being let out like five minutes early. When I get into the hallway, its crowded with other people getting out of class, a lot of people. I already have my headphones on, and am preparing for the Ultimate Stride of my life, being that I have an exam on the other side of campus and that professor doesn't like people who come late. I'm not really the greatest at navigating through crowds, so if anything, I probably bumped into a few people. I also hadn't experienced that crowded of a hallway since high school, therefore didn't quite grasp the fact that rather than these all being a crowd of individuals I was pushing through, they were in fact, one clique. Heading to surround a fight that had broken out farther up the hallway, one that I ended up walking straight into with my head in my cellphone. Needless to say, my "not giving a fuck attitude" ended the fight before I realized it was a thing.

tldr; had head in my phone with headphones on, walked straight into a hallway fight and apparently gave 0 fucks.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by banging a hot girl

Here it goes. The time is 10 pm and my friend calls me on my phone, He tells me to shower and get ready to go outside in 1 hour. I do so and the time is now 11 pm, He calls me and tells me to go outside the door and there is one van outside blasting music and honking for me. I go inside the van and there is 5 people, 2 of them in 30 age or so I think. The rest were my age (17).

They have a bong thats milk as fuck and they give it to me. I clear it and im coughing big time. I have never been so high in my life and im feeling it hardcore, The music is setting mood crazy. We drive and my friend tell me we are going to a party and have some fun.

The time is now 11:20 and we arrive at this house and there are like 40 people on the lawn dancing and drinking, I go inside with my friend and my friend says we have to find some girls so we see these two girls just standing by the wall drinking a dram or what the fuck you call it in english, its like a moonshine mixed with soda or some shit.

One was a blonde and smoking hot im talking defined body huge titties here is something close The other one is a brunette smoking hot, she looks really young tho. My friend gives me some whisky and im drinking from it My friend tells me we should go talk to these girls so we go there, we have to squeeze our self through the people to get there. My friend introduces me to the brunette and I hit it off really well. My friend picks the blonde obviously and hits it too well.

The time now is 12:40. So I ask the brunette if she wants to find another place, and she says yes. I tell my friend im leaving with this girl; we are way too drunk to drive so we order a cab, she says we can go to her place, so I tell cab we go to her place and I pay our fare. At this point you should watch this video describing how we do shit

She tells me her parents aren't home and won't come home till tomorrow, We go through the front door throwing our clothes off like animals in the heat and we go upstairs to her bedroom, and then the magic happens.

In the middle of fucking her we hear some footsteps getting closer and closer, I freak the fuck out flailing my arms like some retard, she tells me to hide in the closet, so instead of sneaking into the closet I fucking straight up leapt at the closet door breaking a hole in the door headfirst and now im stuck, like I was fucking running in leopard speed im not joking right now. The girl just hides under the carpet on the bed freaking out.

I'm now stuck in the closet unable to get out of it, trying my hardest to get out of it. As I said earlier we threw our clothes everywhere on our way to the bedroom, so im bare fucking naked stuck in the closet headfirst, and it looks like im bending over for some anal. Then I hear some knocks on the door in this deep fucking voice.

"You alright honey?"

And like the retard I am, I respond to it "Yeah im alright." I hear him in a fury slam down the fucking door really loudly and screaming in this deep blood gourgling voice "WHAT THE FUCK" now I freak the fuck out so I try my best to get the door off me, and then he fucking rips me out of the closet and the door will still not fucking get off my head, I look at this guy who ripped me out and he is the largest mother fucker i have seen all my life. Two meters tall (6.7" or what the fuck you use) and buffed as fuck.

Im scared as fuck and I don't know what to do so I run out of the house with a closet door stuck to my head bare fucking naked running down the street, I stop 500 meters from the house to catch my breath and as I turn around to look behind me I see him fucking sprinting after me like some giant usain bolt screaming "SHE WAS FUCKING 14 YEARS OLD MAN GET THE FUCK HERE" and holy shit I have never been so fucking scared my whole goddamn life, I have never ever run this fast before it was like I transcended to a whole different level of enitity and I fucking sprinted so fast i swear to god that if I were to ever survive this I will stop doing drugs and start training for the summer olympics in Brazil.

After about 5 minutes of sprinting my friend drives by in his van and at that moment my body just died from exhaustion and I collapsed, as the van door opens there is a billow of smoke coming out and in my grace I see my buddy (he looked majestic as fuck), and he helps me take off the door from my body and I don't know how he did it but that was some magic shit.

In the van there was 2 guys laughing their asses off and the driver just looking serious as fuck . I go inside the van and they hand me a bong and I milk it but I don't have the strength to clear it at all. They hand me two pills. they say its ritalin and mdma, so I take the pills and swallow it down with whisky. They drive me to my place so I can change into some clothes.

The time is now 3:20, half a hour since I took the pills and we are now just cruising in the van chilling and smoking the bongclock is now 4:20. My friend tell me we should go back to the party. Just as we pass the house we see cop cars in lawn with several people in handcuffs so we quickly drive by it. I tell the driver to drive me home. It's now 5:00 and I'm home right now logging into eve online all my info, cards, phone etc is in the house where I fucked that 14 year old girl so tomorrow i have to go confront the fucking dad and get my shit back. Reference to how i looked with the door on my head; http://imgur.com/Oi0OjpH

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by walking into a merchandise hook.

I was redoing my retail room floor at 1:30am, stood up, turned around and snagged my eye on a merchandise hook.

I immediately could not see or tell what I had done because of all the blood gushing out. Talk about pain. I tried calling some nearby friends with no luck. I ended up calling emergency services to come help me.

My vision is fine and the doc says I should heal up just fine.

Here is a picture of the aftermath and recovery.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU - By trying to put a flea collar on the cat.

I have a lovely cat, Yuki, and we decided to get a cat flap installed so that he could have access to the outside and explore. Of course, him being allowed out means he has the potential to pick up all kinds of crawlers we've been lucky enough to avoid before - mainly fleas.

I decided the time was ripe to fit a flea collar on him now that he was able to roam out and about. Yuki was not at all co-operative, so I decided the smart course of action was to trap him in the living room, and try and get a hold of him when he was relaxed and snoozing under the table.

Door shut, cat asleep, it was time to put my plan into action. I approached the coffee table, and squatted down to pick him up and collar, only to screech in pain. I was given a two foot high ornamental ceramic pig for christmas (I collect pig ornaments), and in the process of squatting for the cat, managed to puncture a bum cheek on his right ear (it wasn't sharp, but I'm not a small girl, and I squatted with some force and speed!)

Blood was drawn, many tears were shed, the £340 sofa is now stained from where I sat down in shock and the cat remains proudly uncollared.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by telling a girl I like her

I'll try to keep it short and simple.

Started talking to this really amazing, beautiful girl around November last year over phone. She lives in London and I live near Manchester. We haven't met up but we considering to. Over time I grew attached to her because I more or less smiled at 80% of her messages to me and she's helped me a lot as I'm depressed, self harm etc. Lately I've been thinking about her a lot as her being my girlfriend and wanting to grow old with her and told her this. She said she doesn't see me that way and only as a friend. I told her on Friday. We talked until Saturday but we haven't talked since then and now I'm most probably going to go back to my old depressed self as she's the most amazing most perfect woman I have ever met and I've ruined my only chance of being happy.

TL;DR - told this girl I'm in the friend zone with I like her that I've talked everyday once late November. Now we hardly talk.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by telling my family REDDIT wouldn't fail me.

So this didn't happen today but a few days ago. I'm posting this now, because I waited to see what would happen.

Here is a little back story. My cousins who has served in military all of his adult life is very sick. My aunt came to me the other day with an idea to help bring his mental status up (an his wife) as they are both mentally drained (him physically as well) with what they have been going through. The idea was simple, message all his friends and hers to have them make a small video or picture and I would put them all together in one big video to send to them. I told her I could handle it and that I knew of a website that could help make things for viral or at least help in getting more submissions.

This is where my FU happens. I typed up a post and submitted it to reddit in a few different threads (/r/uscg / /r/military and /r/navy) to name a few. Thinking there is no way at least a few people wouldn't respond to a brother in need and I would receive some submissions. Well I have received one....Just one. I sent out over 1,000 facebook messages to all their friends and have received maybe 20 responses, which I believe is due to facebook's stupid "other" folder in the message center as I can tell if someone has looked at the message and almost no one has. The ones who have responded shows "seen on:" etc. So my aunt contacted me today asking how the responses were going as she was wanting to try (and so was I) to have them in by Saturday, to get the video together by Sunday on Easter.

I had to tell her that I have only received around 20 for sure responses. My aunt is a very religious woman and would never tell you when she is upset. And she didn't this time either, but I can always tell in her voice when she is disappointed. Her response was "Oh honey, 20 is better than none, thank you for trying" but I could tell she was disappointed. Maybe a tad in me and maybe a tad in the lack of responses. But she was still upbeat.

To be honest it broke my heart because she an my cousins have always been there for me. They helped me out a ton in life and I probably wouldn't be where I was if it wasn't for them.

I haven't been an active member of REDDIT for long, but I have donated a few times in the month or so I have been commenting as I am somewhat comfortable in life. I am not rich at all by any means, but I do have a few extra dollars at the end of the month at to me, it is just money and I would rather help out others if I can. I have witnessed reddit miracles and enjoy people part of that.

TL;DR Told my aunt I could make her wish to help my cousin cheer up as he is very sick come true by messaging his friends on facebook and posting to reddit. I failed at both MISERABLY!!!!

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by thinking school was over

Today, I walked home from school an hour before I should have. When I came home, my mom was very surprised drove me right back. The lady who was supposed to be preventing this sort of thing said she was telling me to come back, but I didn't hear. I missed about 20 minutes of gym.

I award myself the foolish fool award of being a fool.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by playing Crossy Road on the TTC

So this happened about 30 minutes ago. I am riding the TTC on my way to work. It is rush hour so the train is packed, I am standing infront of some seats and I decide to play a game to kill time.

I load up Crossy Road without realising I had my volume turned up. Sure enough the Hipster Whale screen comes on and the shutter click goes off with full volume.

Well the two women sitting down in front of me think I just took a down the top photo and I get glares of death from my surrounding area.

Well needles to say I got off the next stop and waited for the next train.

TLDR; Whale snapped a photo of some sweater melons in a crowded subway car.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by drunkenly urinating all over my friend's bed

Last night I had a couple good friends over for some drunken shenanigans, and a "drink off" with one of my more masculine and competitive buddies. About 8 hours later I wake up in a soaked mattress with one particularly pissed of roommate glaring at me. Apparently, at some point in my drunken slumber, I woke up, whipped out my clam hammer in front of god and everyone, and proceeded to piss all over my roommates mattress, wholeheartedly believing I was in the bathroom. I literally pissed on my roommates bed in front of my roommate. Luckily she's (yes its a she by the by) a more forgiving and soul than I, and I made it through the night unharmed. Needless to say, I wont be living this event down anytime soon.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by cooking for my family

This FU just happened. So I just finished cooking a nice homemade Mac and Cheese, and BBQ sasage for my family. Half way through eating, my 7 year old looks at my plate and asks in the most serious way, "daddy, where's your wiener?" Without hesitation I snickered, which inadvertently spit food on my wife's plate. She was not pleased at all.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by falling over during the pledge of alligence

My 7 year old niece was having a career day at her school, and for some reason wanted cool uncle too_much_science.

The class started very early in the morning (for me at least, I work at night) so I was very tired. There were a bunch of chairs in the back of the classroom for all of the guests, myself included. I just took her to school because I thought it would be less of a hassle, so I was there before most people. I thought I would take a little nap. So, I dozed it a chair as class started. I partially woke up, but not completely. It was during the announcements over the PA system. I says at the end: "Please stand for the pledge of allegiance" I have forgotten what it is by now, but stood out of respect. Which was my mistake. I didn't process that my leg had fallen asleep the way it was positioned during my nap. So as soon as I stand up, my leg collapse, I fall over, hit my head on a desk and pass out. I am writing this from the hospital with a concussion.

And the moral of the story is: Don't be a fucking idiot and stand up when your leg is completely asleep.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TWFU by putting off april fools day planning

we will not be doing anything ;)

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by trying to schedule an eye exam.

Today, I fucked up.

It's been a long time since I had an eye exam (I'm stubborn about doctors in general and have no particular complaints about my eyes) and the glasses I once wore - for a slight astigmatism in my left eye only - have long since given me a headache whenever I put them on.

However, the company I work for now has an amazing benefits package, and having already taken advantage of them to get my health and my teeth checked, I figured my eyes would benefit from the same care. And after all, it seems like glasses are cool again.

I call the most reputable local ophthalmologist and try to schedule an appointment. "No problem," they say. "But our next appointment is about three weeks out."

"That's fine," I say. "My work schedule isn't finalized that far out so I can still request off whenever you have an availability."

I finalize the details, and go on about my day. I later remember to go online to submit my time-off request. I specify the date and the reason for my absence.

I got an email an hour or so later and went to read it. The Time Off Request was approved (!) for 4/20/2015 (all day). In the comments field, from my lead manager: "Yes, I hear pink eye is especially common this time of year. Good luck."

I just requested vacation time for 4/20. Most of the people I work with are huge stoners, but we're all consummate professionals so NO one talks about it. Subtle, me. Fucking subtle.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by spewing vomit all over the inside of my dates truck.

I was on my third date with a guy I'm pretty fond of, we had fun together and went out to eat. I ordered some weird spicy pasta dish. I had trouble finishing it, and ny stomach ached for a while after. On the drive back, my stomach was doing flip flops but I didn't think I was going to throw up. Suddenly, a wild skunk smell appeared! It pushed me over the edge and before I had time to react and say something or open a window, the first gag happened. I choked it back down. It came back up and suddenly it was raining puke all over the cab of his truck, my hair, and every inch of my clothes. We had to sit the rest of 25 minute drive back breathing the horrible air. he noodles were still whole.

tl;Dr : I blew noodles all over the cab of my dates truck. They didn't taste better the second time.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by interrupting a weird 1940's house party thing

So this happened about an hour or two ago and I'm confused to say the least. So this all started when my farther suggested that I offer to pressure drive ways for money.(I'm entering college so I'm broke as shit and every dollar counts). Thinking this was a good idea I decided to ask my neighbor. Now my neighbors, though I don't know them very well, are your typical retiree couple with a typical little dog living in a typical small house ect...I assumed they would be your care free retiree couple, but of course...they weren't. Upon nocking on the door a woman I've never seen before opens it and immediately assumes some sketchy dude trying to sell her drugs or something. The door was situated right in front of the living room and inside I can see about 7ish people all dancing(or what I assumed was attempting to dance) to this weird jazzy ish music from like the 20's. To top it off they were wearing those 1920's era hats and stuff. After basically being told to piss off I simply walked back home perplexed at it.

TIFU: by apparently rudely interrupting a odd informal 1920's dance party at 2pm on a Tuesday.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by telling my mom I don't want to go to our summer house for vacation

Background information: I am a child of 4, one being my 10 year younger little brother, my spoiled teenage sister and my brother who graduated high school recently with really bad grades because he is a slacker. He used to get good grades so my mom was really disappointed in him after that. I consider myself the middle child which is rough. Brother who pressures you and little sister always siding with him cause he is older. I also recently decided to cut all communication with my dad. That led my to grow a strong bond with my mom. (Or so I thought)

I told her I'd rather want to stay home and hang out with friends. She got mad at me and started yelling about video games being more important than my family. She ended up dropping the "you're the most disappointing child I have!". It hurts.

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Submitted by http://www.wapmaxi.com

TIFU by not reading my cell phone messages

First time posting here. Always wanted to have something to share here, and, when the time finally came around, I feel like the stupidest guy around...

This happened today...

A girl I've known for about 5 years of my life was having her birthday. I have a crush on said person for as long as I can remember. I've decided to meet her so that I can explain everthing to her and tell what I feel for her, so, a day before, we've agreed to meet on a park. She was going to send me a message as soon as she have gotten out of her school, since it's pretty close to the park. "Awesome" , I thought, "there's nothing that could possibly go wrong with that.." Or so I thought.

Here's the FU: I've never received messages from anybody but from my cell phone operator and I had tons of messages on my mail simply because I was too lazy to delete it. Also, cause of the same reason, it was on silent mode. So when she sent me the messages, I hadn't noticed a thing. Only 3 hours later I discovered them. Turns out, she was waited for me in the park for 1 hour before going home, tired from her school day, while I was doing nothing like the lazy ass I am. I called her as soon as I could and began to apologize. She said it was fine, "don't worry" and so and so, but with a distinctively distant voice. Don't think I'll have another chance like that so soon...

Tl;dr: Forgot to go meet a crush in a park on her birthday.

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by taking the wrong pill

I had a midterm today so I woke up early to book down and study before the exam.

I take out the little jar of adderall and other stuff, excited to get this party started. I cut the pill in half and took the smaller half.

in my mind: "2 hours before the test is more than enough time"

I take the small piece and start studying. 20 minutes into my study time, I get up from a weird feeling that definitely doesn't feel like adderall.

"SHIT" "What is this"

The room stared looking funny. My body is cold and hot at the same time. I was starting to lose my shit because I've had some pretty bad experiences with this stuff.

I forced myself to throw up most of the food I just ate, hoping the pill would up. No luck tho. It's in there for good.

Eventually i decided to go to the ER. 1.For a doctors note so I can retake the exam 2.I wanted that bad stuff out. There's no way i'll be able to get anything done today.

Basically I had to wait for over 5 hours in the hospital bed while my symptoms went away. They couldnt do much for me other than prescribe some lorazepan (anti anxiety) pills.

TL:DR took extacy instead of adderall right before the exam

PS: Badly written b/c some of it is still in my system. No need to point them out

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by touching a customers phone

So I own a cell phone repair store and a customer came in today asking me to check his phone because his internet wasn't working. I checked his phone and saw that it wasn't configured properly so I fixed it for him. I go to his web browser to make sure his internet was now working properly. It opened up to a google page with a search for:

"What do I do if my finger smells like booty"

Of course, trying to act professional, I did what I have to do and give it back to him. Let's just say as soon as he left, I soaked my hands in a hand sanitizer bath.

The funny thing is that it's not even remotely close to the nastiest phone I've touched.

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

Tifu by closing my laptop lid

Hey guys, here's my first reddit post on a story back in 2013.

15/08/13 So the previous day, I was jacking off, like any other average 18 y/o teen would. Being the lazy fuck I am, I just closed my laptop lid and put it to sleep mode when the deed was done

The following day, my significant other came over, cos I suggested to her that we watch Harold and Kumar, which I downloaded a few days back.

As we got comfortable, I flipped my screen up. And my life flashed before my eyes, memories from my childhood as soon as I could remember, playing soccer in the fields of the gardens in my country, catching bugs, pretty much good memories, to my time in school and pretty much everything, up to my latest memory, me jacking off to Asian Rape porn with the title:"Real Japanese Rape Sex Video".

Mind you, my girlfriend was a pure as pure can be, and she was a fucking porn nazi. BUT IF YOU AINT SATISFYING MY NEEDS, SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT?

As the laptop screen lighted up the room, my ears were bleeding from my gf's responses by the end of the day.

Tifu.

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by eating bad seasoning and yelling at my roommate about defrosting chicken

So I had cooked chicken strips and then I had sprinkled on this prepackaged taco sauce. I had cut a piece off and taste tested it, only to be meet with something that tasted like gunpowder and garlic ash.

Upset with this development, I had mentioned it to the roommate and he proceeded to make another batch of chicken to fix my mistake. Except that he had filled a pot with frozen chicken and then ran water under it.

He had gotten distracted and he let the water run the pot. So I had shut the water off. According to him, this was his way of defrosting chicken by letting water run continuously over frozen chicken.

I had gotten mad and walked away. Then I had the bright idea to exclaim that it wasn't how defrosting chicken works.

I had lost my appetite over the bad seasoning.

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by putting my foreman through a wall.

So this actually happened this morning but I wanted to wait til i got home from class to post this.

I'm a plumber in NYC and I'm currently working on very high end apartments in Tribeca, NYC. Now my foreman is a humongous ass hole, both literally and figuratively. He's about 5'10" and has to be pushing 400lbs. He likes to yell, scream, insult and belittle EVERYONE. He also has an annoying habit of grabbing and pulling on my beard as his own special way of messing with me.

Well this morning I'm waiting for the elevator to go up to the penthouse from the 2nd floor and I'm leaning on the wall with my hands in my pockets. Well the lift opens up the doors and my foreman comes off and starts yelling at me for standing against the wall with my hands in my pockets. Letting me know that he's been having a hell of a morning and the last thing he needs is to see me standing around with my hands in my pockets.

So we're standing in the hall way nose to nose and I tell him, I'm sorry you're having a bad day and go to walk past him onto the lift so I can get my material and get back to work. He turns around reaches over my shoulder grabs my beard and pulls hard so my head whips around as he yells don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you, and as my head is being torqued around I use the momentum turning around and shove my foreman as hard as I could into the wall behind him.

The hallway we were in was about 4ft wide so it's not like I threw him far but it was just a thin sheet rocked wall, and he's a big man. He hit the wall and the wall crumbled as he went right through it. My adrenaline was pumping and I shouted some things about how many times I told him to keep his hands outta my face and how I warned him time and time again not to grab my face and when I was done shouting at him I turned around got on the lift and everyone in the lift was cheering me and asking why I hadn't done it sooner.

We pretty much avoided each other all day but as we were leaving he apologized for grabbing my face and instead of apologizing like an adult I told him that if it EVER happens again it wont just be a wall that get broken and I walked out of the shanty.

I know it was stupid, stubborn and pig headed of me and I should have apologized. But if I did that then there wouldn't have been a problem and I wouldn't be typing this. I did get a phone call from my super asking me if I would be coming in tomorrow because he would like to talk to me. So we'll see how that goes in the A.M.

T.L.D.R: Foreman yelled in my face, grabbed a hand full of my beard and I pushed him through a wall and have a meeting with his boss in the morning.

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

Tifu letting my best friend read my old diary

My best friend has known me since kindergarten, but we became friends in 8th grade, we are now sophomores. Well, before we became friends I kind of hated her. She kissed my 5th grade crush, dated him in 6th grade, and she always called me babyfat, I was a chubby kid. Anyways while this was happening I kept a diary, writing about how much I hate her. Of course I forgot about all of this dumb stuff and we became best friends. Now for the FU We were going through my stuff and she found the diary and asked if she could read it. I said yes, thinking that she already knows everything and there can't be anything that bad.... I was wrong. She started crying because I called her a pizza face in one entry, she is very self conscious about her skin. I felt terrible for writing those things, I didn't know I was capable of being that mean. I apologized, but she is mad and won't talk to me. I am frustrated because it is dumb she is mad about something I wrote in elementary school.

TL;DR don't let friend read stuff if you don't know what it says

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by going to the driving range..

Okay. so heres my story...

I was bored at home, and didn't know what to do. It started to get kind of sunny outside, so I decided to hit up my best friend and my brother and go to the driving range since I had bought some cheap clubs a week earlier at a Value Village that was closing down. I've only been about 3 or 4 times ^{less then once a year,} while my brother and friend are more experienced at golf. So we plan it out quickly. My brother and I drive to my friends house, and then we drive off the the driving range. While waiting in line, my friend goes first, says "your best club please" jokingly, and the guy smiles and chuckles and gives him a new club that looked pretty nice. My friend goes outside to get his Golf Balls, while my brother pays next and says "got any better then the guy you gave him?" jokingly also, and the guy says "here's one thats not a rental, it's my personal club but you can use it. Just promise not to break it." and my brother agreed and then I paid and we all went outside.

Fast forward to being halfway down out golf balls, My brother and I decide to switch clubs since his was like half the weight of my cheap one. We take a couple shots each, it's going good. We decided to take 3 more each before switching back. now the first shot, the first shot. thaaaat went fine. I actually hit like 125 yards. Which is pretty good for me. Anywho. I get ready to take my second shot.. It goes about 100 yards.. but so does the bottom half of the golf club. It broke in half. the one that he said not to break. Just my luck right? I had to go in, and awkwardly talk to him explaining that I broke it and that I was sorry. He said he had to talk to his manager, and he'd come talk to us.

he gets off the phone with manager and he tells us its $39.⁹⁹ for breaking the club. I pay it since I broke it of course. I was pretty embarrassed. That's my story of how I fucked up.

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by Meeting a girl online (NSFW)

This happened a couple of years ago. So me being dumb 18 Y/O self, talk to this girl on Badoo, we chatted for a couple of days, we start send nudes to eachother. This girl is 8/10. Body is rocking, perfect boobs. Eventually decide to meet up. We meet, and go out to eat and you know "dating" stuff. Eventually go to her apartment that she has to herself, due to parents and siblings being away. Perfect, now I can lay down the moves. The scenario is perfect and we proceed to fornicate. When I'm about to orgasm, she tells me to tell her so she can finish me with her mouth. Just as I'm about to cum, she just gags and vomit all over me.. I Freak out, and can't stand the smell and vomit back on her. I get out of the bed to turn the lights on. The bed, and I are covered in blood and vomit. I start to wonder where the blood is from when I realize that she had had her period mid sex. She runs off crying into the bathroom, and in a situation as fucked up as this I start laughing. She locks the bathroom door, and I stand naked, bloody and vomited on. She yells from the bathroom door that I'm a horrible person for laughing, I try to calm her down so she can open the door so I can take a shower with her to clean off. After about 10 minutes, she eventually let's me in after I say Sorry a million times. She is covered in vomit and blood running down her leg, I started laughing again as she looked like someone form a fcked up horror movie. She locks the door again and tells me to leave, I beg her to let me in so I can shower off. She tells me to wait. She then proceeds to take a shower, and lets me sit outside covered in vomit and blood. I shower quickly, get all my clothes, take one last glimpse into her room to see the mayhem and it looked like a weird murder-scene. She tells me to never call her again, to delete her number and to basically fck off. Never talked to her ever again, saw that she has a child recently. Which made me think back of this and laughed.

Summary: Met girl online, had sex, she threw up on me, I vomited back, laughed at the situation, and continued to laugh to make her even angrier (could not help it). hahah fml

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by joining reddit

I am a busy reference librarian who spends too much time browsing the Web and on Facebook already. Because of all the short reading I do and all the short interactions I have, I already have no attention span. Plus, I'm endlessly curious, and have a wide catholicity (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/catholic -- meaning #2) of interests. And my spouse already finds all the above annoying.

So... TIFU--I joined Reddit.

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com

TIFU by trying to prank my best friend

So this happend last night.

My best friend (m20) and I(f20) have been very close (on and off dating) for over a year, and we really care about each other.

Soo I've been telling him for weeks that I was going to prank him really bad for April Fool's Day. He's a pretty uptight guy who is consantly busy and aways stressed out. He said I could do whatever I wanted as long as it didn't affect his "grades or property."

I decided to tell him that I got in trouble with my parents and would be leaving our university and have to go back home (3 states away) and never come back. He's not the emotional type, so I didn't think this would mess with him too badly. I asked all our friends about it, and they all loved it. My roommate even helped me start packing. We decided that telling him Sunday night would be best, since he might not believe me by Wednesday and we'd have to work hard to convince him.

I told him last night before we went to bed, assuming he wouldn't believe me, and he hugged me and started crying. Instant regret. He told me he loved me and no matter what he'd be there for me. He kept asking how I felt.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to completely drop the prank yet. Thankfully, I'm a pretty good liar and I managed to get him to calm down and go to his room. All day long he has been hugging me and texting me asking if I'm okay.

I don't know if I should keep this going until Wednesday. He was so upset last night, I know he'll be upset if I tell him it was a joke. He's the sweetest guy and ruined my prank. Ugh...

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Submitted by http://www.andro8.com